My dog got into our scrabble box and ate a whole bunch of word tiles, we rushed her to the vet and are still waiting.
No word yet.

What do you call a mouse that swears?
A cursor

What do you call a hooker who is great at keeping time?
Whorologist

I was dating a girl at the office named Lorraine
We had gone out for a while. A new cute girl named Claire Lee started working in our group. I really liked her but still liked Lorraine. After a month or so, Lorraine got transferred to another city.

It was fine. I can see Claire Lee now. Lorraine is gone.

My boss fired me from the auto parts store for stealing. I dont know what his problem is. It was his idea.
Every day, he told me to make sure I take brakes.

Im opening a funeral parlor for people of no specific faith and calling it
Die Agnostic Services

At dinner, I told my date I was trying to figure out what her favorite hobby might be. She leaned in, pounded her fist on the table and yelled, I MAKE JAM AND PUT IT IN TINY GLASS CONTAINERS!
It was jarring.

My wife and I decided we didn't like sleep, we hated having a clean house and didn't want any money to spend on ourselves.
So we decided to have three kids.

I cant believe someone broke into my house and stole all my fruit
I am peachless!

Whats the difference between Elon Musk and a Lemur?
Elon made electric cars, lemur madagascar.

If you put a picture of yourself in a locket, you could say you were
independant.

What do you call a bee that cant make up its mind?
A maybe

How does a penguin build a house?
Igloos it together.

I am a Dad Jokes black belt.
Barista: "Can I have a name, please?"
Me: "Didn't your parents give you one?"

Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
Cause they lactose

Sent this to my kids. Me: Knock knock
You. Whos there?

Me. Hike

You. Hike who?

Me: Unsuspecting kids

Dad waiting with bated breath

Sets the perfect trap

I recently told my wife she was immutable
Then I found out the true meaning

My wife and I just started investing in Medical Marijuana.
The money we make goes into our joint account...

Whats the most popular feature on Targaryen life insurance policies?
A dragon rider.

(Is that a new level of nerd?)

What genre are national anthems?
Country

What do you call a moose that everyone knows?
Famoose

What do you call a hippies wife?
Mississippi

The sniper who has been hired to kill me seems to have fallen in love with me.
He wrote me a note saying: "I miss you."

Used to be a taxi driver. I left it because
I was tired of people talking behind my back.

What do you call a cult thats hard to get into?
Difficult