I drew Mark Hamill on my wife's forehead while she was asleep.
You should have seen the Luke on her face.

Saw this one a long time ago.
My wife said "You bastard, you're shagging that floozie from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychrwyndrobwyllllantisiliogogogoch, aren't you?"

I said "How can you even say that?"

What do you call a herd of sheep falling down a hill?
A lambslide.

I am very conflicted about my right glove.
On one hand I love it, but on the other hand I hate it.

I just came up with this and Im really proud of myself.

My wife went mad at the neighbor because she sunbathed nude outside
Personally, I'm on the fence

What is a dyslexic zombies favorite food?
Brians

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.
She still isn't talking to me.

Why did the girl eat the lamp?
Dad said to have a light snack.

What did the mama cow say to the baby cow?
Its pasture bed time.

While working as a prison guard, I once caught a woman trying to smuggle over 5 pounds of weed in her oversized bra.
It was the biggest bust our department had ever seen.

I'm so good at driving, I can get to 3 different places without ever even touching the steering wheel.
The hospital, jail, and the cemetery!

I make Christmas wreaths for a living. So I decided I would make one out of 100 dollar bills the other day.
I call it A Wreath of Franklin

Someone glued my deck of cards together
I just dont know how to deal with it.

I finally decided to sell my vacuum cleaner..
I finally decided to sell my vacuum cleaner.. It's just collecting dust.

What do you call a fat Navy SEAL?
MEAL TEAM 6!

I somehow managed to make it through high school math while only being able to remember even numbers!
What are the odds?

What shampoo do lions use for their manes?
R'Oaral.

How much does Santa pay to park his sleigh?
Nothingits on the house.

A dragon would never explode.
But a dino might.

Please use William Shatner in a sentence...
"Becky took Williams toy, so William Shatner lunch pail."

What do you get when you put a vest on an alligator
An investigator

What do you call James Bond in the bath
Bubble 0 7

Scientists have discovered a phenomenon where liquid has been found to get stressed, anxious, and nervous.
It's called water tension.

Im reading a book about anti-gravity.
Its impossible to put down.

There is a Swedish word for crying while masturbating, Grtrunka
That's a real tear jerker