On my 45th birthday, my wife whispered, Are you finally ready to try some butt stuff? I said, Hell yeah!!
She said, Great. I scheduled your colonoscopy for next week.

I asked the waiter, Will my pizza be long?
He said, No, itll be round.

I told my dad I broke my leg in three places
He said, Well, you shouldnt have gone to those places.

The trouble with bars in Germany is that if you ask for a dry martini
you get three of them.

So I said to the taxi driver, "King Arthur's Close."
He said, "Don't worry, we'll lose him at the next set of lights."

My friend Jo has been on a Dolly Parton diet.
It really has made Jolene.

When two people are together, it's a twosome. When three people are together, it's a threesome.
Thats why they call me handsome

My wife called me and said...
'I've got water in the carburettor', I said 'Where's the car' She said 'In the river'

What does a painter do when he gets cold?
He puts on another coat.

Why is 19 mad at 20?
They argued about who was better and 21.

I have a bunch of dead batteries that I've decided to give away...
They are all free of charge.

A little girl fainted on the carousel, but don't worry
she's coming around.

My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type
As he died, he kept insisting "be positive" but it's hard without him.

I asked the waiter what this fly was doing in my soup
He said "The back stroke"

That's my dog's favorite stick! She got it from the Black Forest in Germany.
I know, that seems far-fetched.

Why was the bird documentary rated R?
Because of all the fowl language.

Where do modern day vampires invest?
In crypto!

At my birth, a cow wandered into the room and gave me a blessing.
That's right, I had a dairy godmother.

I saw a bear carrying a TV antenna
It was Yagi Bear

My buddy gave me an advanced copy of his book titled Dad Jokes About Wood, Stone, Ice, and Metal.
I flipped through it and was like, Wowthese are solid puns.

My massage therapist was having the most difficult time working on my back. She asked, On a 1 to 10 scale, how stressed are you? I said, Honestly, only like 0.2.
She nodded and said, That explains ityoure two-tenths.

Murder was pinned on a seamstress
Police say she fabricated her story.

What do you call a bird with diarrhea?
A stool pigeon!

I watched a burglar kick in his own door.
He was working from home.

Did you hear about the blind Cyclops brothers?
Neither have eye.