A farmer tells his neighbor, "My horse is so smart, he can count."
"No way!" "Watch." The farmer asks, "Horse, what's 2 + 3?" The horse stomps his hoof five times. The neighbor is amazed. "What's 4 + 4?" The horse stomps eight times. "Incredible!" Then the neighbor asks, "What's the square root of 1?"

The horse looks at him for a moment and says:

" Are you kidding me? I'm just a horse"

Ive offered my elderly neighbor $20 to give me a ride on her stairlift.
I think shes gonna take me up on it.

I bought a sheepdog.
Old English?

Ic gebohte scaphund.

If you write "5318008" on a calculator and turn it upside down,
you can see the back of a calculator.

A photographer was tragically crushed when a massive block of cheddar fell on him.
In fairness, the people he was photographing did try to warn him.

Ever since I got a wheelchair, my wifes been so rude to me.
Always pushing me around and talking behind my back.

"I can hear fruits talking."
"So what does this orange say?"

"No idea. It's speaking Mandarin."

I won $10 million in the lottery and decided to donate a quarter of it to charity
Now I have to figure out what to do with the other $9,999,999.75

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I just bought a Humpty Dumpty toy from ALDI.
It even came with Aldi kings horses and Aldi kings men.

Earning the title of "Dad" one bad joke at a time
Since we'll be out of town next week, my gals decided to celebrate Father's Day today. We went out for sushi for lunch. As usual, I ordered the spicy maki combo and an "Out of Control" roll. Most of the food arrived, but my special roll was still being made.

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Soon enough, the waitress arrived with the last of my food. "Here you go. Your Out of Control." I responded, "Thanks, people tell me that all the time."

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My wife rolled her eyes so hard, I'm pretty sure her retinas detached.

I dread the day Musk's scandal comes to light
Elon-gate is going to last forever.

My Pa said he would accompany me and help with my equipment when I was going to climb Mount Everest.
I said,are you surePa?

Where is the worst place to hide in a hospital?
ICU

Dave was born without eyelids, so the doctors circumcised him to use the skin.
The operation was a success, he's just a little cockeyed.

I used to hate facial hair.
Then it grew on me

My wife told me that I spend so much time reading about naval history and building model ships that I'm starting to resemble a boat.
I gave her a stern look

My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
Thats the last time I get in the car with her when shes late for bingo

My wife told me to stop being an idiot, and just be myself.
I told her to make up her mind.

After an argument, a man sat in his man cave throwing darts at a photo of his wife but not a single one was hitting the target
His wife yelled from upstairs, What in the hell are you doing?

He replied, Missing you!

What do you call a motorcycle gang made up of ancient, bisexual Norse monarchs?
The Bikings.

What do you call a dog on a submarine?
Subwoofer (I'll see myself out)

Use straw to keep cats off the kitchen counter. They really hate touching it
You could say they're claw-straw-phobic.

Whats the most dangerous animal?
Crows. Get enough of them in one place and therell be a murder.

Where do juice boxes go for critical care?
The Hi-CU

In ancient Rome there was 4 types of poison
Types l, ll and lll would kill you instantly.

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Poison IV would just make you really itchy.