BREAKING: Russia has struck its own submarine with an underwater torpedo in the Atlantic Ocean, killing all 350 aboard
Whoops, wrong Sub!
I recently found out that dad jokes have to use the letter D.
Otherwise, its just a joke.
To whoever it is that stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you.
You have my Word.
Did you know there's a country in Africa that only uses electric cars?
Yeah, for some reason it's really mad at gas cars.
Me and my buddies started a rock band, and were gonna call ourselves The National Debt.
Were gonna be HUGE!
Do you know why people say "hold your horses"?
It's because they want you to be stable.
Me and my all male buddies just formed a band that only plays hits from female singers.
We're called "Thats What She Said."
I received a blank text from my wife today. When I got home I asked, "why did you send me a blank text?" She replied...
"Because I'm not talking to you."
Someone told me her biological father was a sword enthusiast
I suppose hes had seax
I tried the best I could to convince the female Ski Instructor I was dating to keep our relationship intact
But the conversation snowballed far too quickly.
My wife asked if I ever think back to the one place we used to park and make out.
I said, Of course, but its a lot to ponder.
If having sex for money makes you a whore...
Then does having sex for free make you a non-profit whoreganisation?!
My greatest contribution to humor was when I got a lizard to stand up on its hind legs.
It was the world's first stand up chameleon.
Why can William Shakespeare never get into the club?
Hes Bard
Did you hear about the government that got overthrown twice?
It was coupcoup.
I like to talk to oranges
Theyre pretty well rounded
What do you do, if a friend of doesn't love fruit puns?
You let the mango.
Two chemists walk into a barChemist 1: Ill have H2O please
Chemist 2: Ill have water also
Chemist 1 walks away frustrated as his assassination attempt failed
Be careful what you say in the corn maze,
There are ears everywhere.
How did Luke Skywalker get into the forest?
Ewoks
How do you spot Cruella de Vil at a science convention?
She's the one in the Lab coat.
My ears arent ringing right now, but I know they will be at bedtime.
I have tonightus.
What did the fox do when he got caught having sex?
He immediately pulled up his foxers.
What's a marsupial's favorite drink?
Coca-Koala!
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 is a really scary movie starring Morgan Freeman and Brad Pitt