My doctor told me I can masterbate any time I want.
His official words were "I could have a stroke at any moment" but it's cool I understood what he ment.
As I was playing with my daughter on the floor, she smacked me over the head with bottle of soy sauce. Honestly, Ive never been angrier in my life.
I cant believe shed Kikkoman when hes down.
I didn't want to be a gynecologist when I first went to college...
But I heard there were a lot of openings...
My great grandpa destroyed 5 German tanks in WW2
To this day, he is remembered as the worst mechanic the Wehrmacht has ever had
I was driving to work when a bunch of guys dressed as 16th century sailors held me up with swords...
They were pirates of the car I be in!
My cross-eyed wife and i just got divorced.
We didnt see eye to eye and i think she was seeing someone on the side!
Why is Switzerland one of the best countries to live in?
Well for starters the flag is a big plus
Bacon and eggs walk into a bar
The bartender says "I'm sorry we don't serve breakfast"
How do you get a squirrel to like you?
Act like a nut.
They say the director of Dirty Jobs is way too overbearing.
Hes a real Mike Rowe manager
A friend of mine had a tantrum because he forgot to bring his fishing gear to the lake
He was completely out of line.
I have two step-ladders.
I never knew my real ladder.
I phoned Carly Rae Jepson and said......
Hi maybe, I'm dad.
If the cops pull over a U-Haul truck
Are they busting a move?
Did you know that French fries are not made in France?
They are made in grease.
What do you call an alien with no eyes?
Allen.
I used to run a dating service for chickens.
But I was struggling to make hens meet.
Stay off the back of the boat!
That's a stern warning.
Tell my WiFi love her
After all, you can't spell Ethernet without her in the middle
I ordered an egg and a chicken from Amazon
I'll let you know
My wife isnt really enjoying Dry July
Hopefully those HRT patches will be back in stock soon
Why did cowboys hang lanterns on their saddles at night?
So they could use saddle-light navigation.
I was asked what my mum's favourite state is...
I said "I don't know. Alaska."
I forgot what I majored in in college.
Probably because I skipped classes to some degree.
I am currently learning sign language.
Cant wait to tell jokes nobody has ever heard.