What does a robot do after a one-night stand?
He nuts and bolts
My wife keeps yelling at me for tickling my sons feet
Something about waiting until hes born
My friend's wife called him after 3 women in her office received flowers.
She told him, "they're absolutely gorgeous"...his reply, "that's probably why"...
Before I married her, I took my missus on eight dates, and then we went to the cinema for our ninth. Our dates were...
Dinner. Dinner. Dinner. Dinner. Dinner. Dinner. Dinner. Dinner. Batman.
Whats a three letter word that starts with gas?
Car
What do you call a downgraded dog?
Kate

Dog=K9 Kate=K8

What do you call a dwarf mother?
Minimum

What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account?
Prime mates
Snoop just said he wont smoke any more weed!
But he wont smoke any less either
The Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song
But the Chick Peas can only hummus one.

// stolen from a friend...

The guy that stole my diary just died.
My thoughts are with his family.
When my son tried to use scissors to spread his condiments, I knew something wasnt right in his head.
I dont think hes gonna cut the mustard.
Solar system.
Venus Williams, Freddie Mercury & Bruno Mars walked into a bar.
They didn't planet that way. !!
A lot of people talk about Spock having unique ears since he's half Vulcan, but not many people know he actually had 3 ears.
His left ear, his right ear, and the final front ear.
I bought a wooden car, It's got..
wooden engine, wooden doors, wooden seats, wooden wheels even a wooden key...Guess what?

Wooden start

To drive an electric car,
Do you need a current license?
My father worked 12 hours every day just to put food on the table.
Amazing man, but slowest cook ever
Which primate is the weakest?
The chimpansy
A Briton named Arthur selling dromedaries, calls his business....
Camel Lot
Why doesn't your chicken fly?
Boneless wings.
Why do stray dogs always fall for telemarketers?
They don't have collar ID.
What do you call a land full of engineers?
England
What do you call a bus conductor who lost both their legs in an accident?
Semiconductor
One of my favorite things to do is walk down a boardwalk on the ocean and tell everybody how much the place sucks. Then I throw down a smoke bomb and run off.
Everyone is like: did he just disappear?
I just heard that with all this pronoun talk,
Chocolate has now identified as a Her/She.