Woke up holding a wooden spoon and mixing bowl. My wife said, Rough night? Im like, Yeah..howd you know?
You were stirring in your sleep.

wife said if I get one more bad gift for her birthday, shell burn it
Im thinking, candle?

What kind of food destroys a man's sex life?
Wedding cake.

My daughter was with me when I was grocery shopping. We stopped to buy some sliced cheese.
Her: What's the difference between Swiss and Baby Swiss?

Me: If you listen real closely, you can hear the Baby Swiss still crying for its mother.

Her:

I like to throw soy sauce at sad people
Kikkoman while hes down.

What Asian stereo type do you hear the most?
Personally I've got a Sony surround sound system.

I hate having to buy bait for my favorite sport. For my birthday my wife bought me a 3 month subscription box for starting a worm farm. So I unwrapped and open my first box.
It was full of dirt. Turned out it was a fishing scam.

I don't mean to brag, but every time I get undressed...
the shower gets turned on. Nice and wet too.

What would a sign say on a brothel that went out of business?
Beat it were closed.

A stack of pancakes and a side of bacon walk into a bar.
The bartender says "Get out! We don't serve breakfast here."

I asked my wife why she hadn't wanted to drive her new car around for the first 90 days...
She said it was part of the finance agreement ...zero percent interest for the first 3 months.

This weekend I had tickets to go see Timmy, the yodeling Shetland pony. Unfortunately, Timmy had to cancel.
He was a little horse.

Whats the spookiest body of water in North America?
Lake Eerie.

What do you get when you cross the bands Kansas and the Counting Crows?
Carrion, my wayward son!

My stylist had me sign a contract to do my hair.
She wanted me to accept her perms and conditioners.

Woman who dated 50 ghosts, finally married one...
She found her boo

Can you even imagine bikes being spelled with a Y?
Yikes!

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt.
Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche.

I used to hate facial hair ..
But then it grew on me

My buddy was arrested for stealing cables at a construction site
A copper arrested him!

I was at the grocery store and the kid bagging my stuff asked if I wanted paper or plastic. I told him I didnt care and he could decide for me.
He told me that I had to pick because baggers cant be choosers.

Wife asked me to take out the spider
Went out. Had a few drinks. Turns out he's a web designer

I can never go back to my favorite Vietnamese restaurant
They banh mi pho life

Ive always been afraid to hang out with calendars
Their days are numbered

Studies show that you should not brush your teeth with your left hand
A toothbrush works much better