My daughter was complaining about her mint ice cream saying it tasted like tooth paste.
Me: maybe it's not mint, but disappointMINT.

My wife: maybe it's not MINT to be eaten.

Im so proud of her.

How many Trump supporters does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. Trump says he already did it and they all stand there clapping in the dark.

My wife gave me an ultimatum. It's either her, or my addiction to sweets.
The decision was a piece of cake.

why are chickens good at business?
Because they have lots of buck buck bucks

I told a joke during my Zoom meeting this morning.
It wasn't even remotely funny.

What do you call a man with a shovel on his head?
Doug

What do you call a woman who tells dad jokes?
A faux pa

Im often accused of choosing my spouse because I wanted a trophy wife.
But the truth is she chose me because she wanted a participation award husband.

I'm going to name my dog Beowulf.
He's a Great Dane.

What kind of bees live in graveyards?
Zombees

When is a good time to eat apple pie?
3:14 is the pie time!

Why did the zombie get health insurance?
He wanted piece of mind

What do you call a nut that sneezes?
A ca-shooo

Where do parents send their ADHD kids for the summer?
Actually never mind probably shouldnt say it.

This morning I found a wooden shoe in my toilet.
It was clogged.

If bridges could talk
it would probably be in Span-ish.

The traffic cop yelled pull over.
No, I said, actually, its a cardigan, but thank you for noticing.

I tried to start a band called "999 Megabytes."
We havent got a gig yet.

Let that sink in.
Actually, why is it out there to begin with?

A man has front-row seats to the World Cup final.
A man has front-row seats to the World Cup final. As he sits down, he notices the seat next to him is empty. He turns to the man on the other side and asks, "Who would have a seat like this and not show up?"

The man replies, "Well, actually, that seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup we haven't been to together since we were married."

The first man is touched. "Thats incredibly sad. But couldn't you find a friend or a relative to take the ticket?"

The man shakes his head. "No... theyre all at the funeral."

I opened the medicine cabinet and a bottle of Omega 3 capsules fell on my head
Fortunately my injuries were only super fish oil.

Roux, rue, ruined
Pop: (while cooking) Do you think I could use cornflour instead of AP flour?

Me: I'm not sure that would work in a roux.

Pop: You're saying I'd rue that decision.

Me: And it might be ruined.

What do you call twins standing in the window?
Kurt and Rod

I like to pepper in jokes about spices and seasoning
But I think it's a waste of thyme.

Strait of Hormuz
Why do they call it the Strait of Hormuz? Its more than a 90 degree bend. They should call it Hormuz - Sharp Curves Ahead.