My girlfriend borrowed $100 from me. After 3years, when we separated, she returned exactly $100.
I lost Interest in that relationship.

The other day I found out my toaster wasn't water proof.
I was shocked!

Itd be a big mistake to start flirting with nuns.
Trust me, you dont wanna get into that habit.

What's the female equivalent of tea bagging?
A flappuccino.

Doctor: (handing me my new born baby) I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it
Me: (handing baby back to him) Bring me the one my wife made

I gorged on 14 cans of alphabet soup a few days ago
Ended up having a crippling vowel movement.

Then, was constipated with the consonants.

At the doctor's office. No word yet.

I just read through 6 pages of the dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.

I walked in on my girlfriend having sex with her personal trainer.
Me :: "Ok, this isn't working out."

My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him...
....Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy. He's a web designer.

The other day I was diagnosed with anxiety and constipation
Now I'm worried shitless.

My son asked if trees poop?
I said of course, how do you think we get number two pencils?

Why don't aliens come visit us?
Because we only have one star.

Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because seven was a known six offender.

Why do Sith Lords phones have good batteries?
They have unlimited power

I wrote a poem about the bottom of the ocean
Its pretty deep.

What's a cow's favourite night-time activity?
Stargrazing

Its such a bummer that Islam, Christianity, and Judaism have all been fighting with each other for centuries.
Hinduism on the other hand, they never had any beef!

If you lost an eye and the only way to replace it was using part of a tree... would you do it?
I would

I've been thinking about getting back with my ex-wife
But I'm worried she might think that I'm just after my money

What medicine do androids take when they are sick?
Robo-tussin

What do you call somebody who routinely uses just 1% of their brain?
A centimental fool

What did the taco say to the sad burrito?
Dont worry. Weve all bean there.

Even though its a lucrative profession, dont force your child to become a chopper pilot.
You dont wanna be a helicopter parent.

I know a lot of jokes about retired people
But none of them work

What cheese is made backwards?
Edam