Satan arrived to welcome a new damned soul to hell. "Congratulations!" he said. You wasted your entire pitiful life!"
"Well," the man replied, "at least I'm not a adult living in my father's basement."

I saw an ad that said radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on full
I thought, I cant turn that down.

I just realized that the word "seven" has "even" in it.
That's odd.

My son said to me "Dad, today I watched someone do 50 pushups , do you think could you do that?"
I said of course son, don't want to brag but I could probably watch someone do 100 pushups

My wife asked how the surgery consultation went. I told her theyll have to remove my left testicle. She looked worried. But wait MY left ovary was removed a few years ago.
Itll be okay, babe, I said, Well still have our reproductive rights.

The doctor said I can touch myself whenever I want.
Well, his exact words were" You can have a stroke at any time"

This morning Siri said "don't call me Shirley"
I accidently left my phone in airplane mode

A 70-year-old man was showing off his 23-year-old wife to his friends.
When they asked, How did you convince her to marry you?

He grinned: SimpleI lied about my age by 25 years.

His friends gasped: Wait, you told her you were 45?!

The old man chuckled and shook his head: Nope. I said I was 95.

Took my daughter trick-or-treating and after stopping at a particular house and taking candy from a sweet, older woman she said, "Dad. She's a widow." I asked, "How do you know that?"
She said, "Because she's a widow owed wadey."

Touche, kid. Touche.

Steven Wright tribute thread
Just as the title says, post your favorite Steven Wright style jokes here. I'll start it off:

Sponges grow in the ocean. That kills me, because I wonder how deep the oceans would be if that didn't happen.

I went to donate blood today. I will never do that again
Way too many personal questions like whose blood is this? Where did you get it? And why is it in a bucket?

This morning I told my wife the wet lawn looked weird. She said she sprinkled protein powder on it to help it grow.
I said, Ah, thanks. Thats whey over dew.

Do you ever think beavers get embarrassed about their compulsions?
I mean, they must look at a log cabin and go "oh crap this thing probably has running water"

I've been told my teenage daughter is as cold as ice.
I tell them it's just a phase.

How do you get a bass player off your front porch?
Pay him for the pizza

Did you know that the actor who played the Joker on the Dark Knight Rises used to do all his accounting by hand on a notebook?
It was Heath's ledger.

Archery is great!
But for me it just has too many drawbacks.

Dad said my generation relies too much on technology
So I unplugged his life support

what do you call a drummer?
Anything you want, he probably can't hear you

I started working out to get rid of my dad bod, but I had to stop
My body couldn't handle the ab use

What do you call a broke Santa Claus?
Saint Nickel-less

Did you know a full moon is perfect for a werewolf to come out?
IM GAY.

Skyrizi sounds like the drug company just gave up
And asked Snoop Dogg for a name

My friend's battery charge dropped to 20%...
Whereas my battery charge dropped due to lack of evidence.

I like to tell dad jokes
Sometimes he laughs