Last Christmas, my girlfriend got really angry when I gave her a box of photos of all her old boyfriends.
I still don’t know why, she said she wanted an ex box.
On the first day of my flying lessons, I looked down nervously and asked my instructor, “What are all these buttons for?”
He said, “Those are to keep your shirt closed.”
I told my wife that if I ever owned a sailboat, I would name it Ccccccc.
That way, I can sail the seven C's.
People of Dubai don’t like the Flintstones.
But the people of Abu Dhabi do.
I had a friend who was always late until his doctor recommended sleeping in a herb garden.
Now he wakes up on thyme.
Given their anatomy, some people wonder how mermaids can give birth.
They usually have a sea section.
I caught my kids playing with electrical wires without protection.
So I grounded them.
I just bought the Snow White Lego set second hand but it only had 6 dwarves
Not Happy
Last Night A man was Hit by a Violin then a Clarinet and then a French Horn
Police say it was an Orchestrated attack...
What vegetable do you need when you get a flat tire?
A-spare-I-guess
I asked my wife if she could say “worth, worth, worth, worth”. She’s like “um, why?”
I said, “trust me, it’s worth repeating.”
I’ve gotta prepare for the big boat paddle sale tomorrow.
It’s a huge oar deal.
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Caesar walk into a bar.
He came, he saw, he conquered."
How does a prisoner make a call?
On a cell phone.
I don't understand why women carry a baby for nine months.
It would make more sense if it was gestate.
Which side of the turkey has the most feathers?
The outside.
Jet Skis are poorly named.
Obviously it's a boatorcycle.
My son asked me, “Dad, today I watched someone do 50 pushups. Do you think you could do that?”
I said, “Of course, son. I don’t want to brag, but I could probably watch someone do 100 pushups.”
Why did the mashed potatoes cross the road?
To get to the other sides.
Do you want to hear my impression of an extractor fan?
"I used to like tractors"
I asked my dog what 2-2 is.
He said nothing.
I had this really fat parrot that died last week.
My friends all thought I’d be upset. But honestly, it’s like I had this weight removed from my shoulders.
What do you call a cat making a pot of coffee?
A Purr-colator.
What do you call a spider with eczema?
An itchy-bitsy spider
Just when you thought food couldn't make phone calls.
Boom! Onion rings.
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