A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his penis. The bartender asks him “Is that a steering wheel on your penis?”
The pirate replies, “Aaaar, yes! It’s driving me nuts!”
Every single morning I get hit by the same bike...
It's a vicious cycle
To kill a French Vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart
Sounds easy but the process is painstaking
Which one of King Arthur's knights designed the round table?
Sir Cumference
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called "dentures"
They really missed an opportunity to call them "substitooths"
My daughter said, “Mommy wants a horse-drawn carriage for your anniversary.” I said, “Sweetie, that’s ridiculous…”
“…horses can’t draw.”
I think the girl at the airline's check-in just threatened me
She looked me dead in the eye and said, “Window or aisle?” I laughed in her face and replied, “Window or you’ll what?”
I overheard my Mum say the best time to ask my Dad for anything was during sex.I burst in through the bedroom door saying, "Can I have a new bike?"
Dad was very upset. But his secretary was surprisingly nice about it.
Yes, I got the bike.
Why did Aladdin get banned from the race?
Because of his performance enhancing rugs
I asked my wife if I'm the only one she's ever been with.
She said yes, all the others were nines and tens.
Why do Java developers wear glasses?
Because they don’t C#.
My father told me you'll never amount to anything... You're a procrastinator...
I told him.... oh yeah, you just wait.
When my wife was giving birth, the doctor came in and said, ‘I’ll be the one to deliver the baby.’ I said, no thank you…
We’d like our baby to keep its liver.
I was at a job interview and they asked me how I perform under pressure.
Not very well but I can absolutely kill it on Bohemian Rhapsody.
Horse Walks Into a Bar…A horse walks into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender says “hey - i see you in here a lot. Are you an alcoholic or something?”
The horse says “i don’t think i am”, then poof - he vanishes like he never existed.
Now this is a play on words about René Descartes’ famous philosophy of “i think, therefore i am”, but explaining that beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
Scientists got bored after watching the Earth turn for 24 hours.
So they called it a day.
I REALLY hate math, especially fractions.
Those are where I draw the line
I would tell a chemistry joke, but
all the good ones argon.
What do you call a cheap circumcision?
A rip off.
I got fired from the bank today...
A lady asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
what's every flea's favorite book?
The itchiker's guide to the galaxy
GF: Why did you buy a fake dog turd?
Me: You said we needed sham poo.
As we were getting into bed last night I asked my wife if she wanted to spoon.She told me to "Fork off."
That's not very knife.
What happens when a microscope smashes into a telescope?
They kaleidoscope.
Do you know the man who survived both mustard gas and pepper spray?
He is now a seasoned veteran.
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