What do you get when you crossbreed a cow and an octopus?
A stern rebuke from your university's ethics board and an immediate cessation of funding.
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.
There would be mass confusion.
What do you call a romcom where the man chooses the girl because she's the only one around?
The Default in Our Stars
A man walks into a bar with a small newt on his shoulder. The bartender said, “What an interesting pet. What’s his name?” “Tiny,” the man replied. The bartender said, “That’s an odd name. Why did you call him Tiny?”
“Because he’s my newt.”
What do you call a duck on drugs?
A Quackhead
I told my wife I’m disappointed in how tight all her skirts and blouses are.
She said, “Then lose some weight.”
Why would witches prefer a five-speed to an automatic transmission?
Because they're used to driving a stick.
Taxi driver told his passenger to stop eating chocolate because it's bad for teeth
Passenger:But my grandpa lived until age 96. Driver: Because he was eating chocolate? Passenger:Because he's minded his own business
what is Gollum's opinion on smoking?
Stupid, filthy Habbitses
Whats worse than a lobster on your piano?
Crabs on your organ
Santa takes pictures of cookies and milk left for him. Rudolph takes pictures of his nose. What pictures do the Elves take?
Elfies!
A former NFL lineman decided to become a bus driver after his career ended due to injury. He was assigned to the Sesame Street route in his local town. He wanted to make a good impression on his passengers, so he decided to welcome each one as they got on.At his first stop, he opened the doors for 2 corpulent ladies. “Hi, my name is Mac. Welcome aboard the Sesame Street bus.” “Hello,” one of the ladies said, “My name is Patty and this is my friend, who’s also named Patty.”
At the second stop, he picked up a young man with a very flashy coat on. “Hi, my name is Mac. Welcome aboard the Sesame Street bus.” “My name is Ross,” He said as he tugged on his flashy coat, “and I’m special.”
He greeted the next passenger the same way. “Thank you for welcoming me aboard. My name is Mark but my friends call me Let Loose.”
After the next passenger boarded, he got a little turned off as he looked in the mirror. Her name was Chase and it looked like he was picking at his bunions.
When he got back to the bus barn at the end of his shift, the dispatcher asked him, “We’ll Big Mac, how was your first day?”
“Not too bad but the first 4 stops were a little interesting.”
“Oh, how so?”
“I picked up…2 obese Patties, Special Ross, Let Loose, Chase picking bunions on a Sesame Street bus.”
What do you call it when a McDonald’s employee has to work two shifts in a row?
A McDouble.
Does the Dentist of the Month
get a plaque?
Someone has just sold me a bottle of odourless perfume.
It doesn't make any scents!
My daughter said her favorite soda was “pop.”
Certainly made me feel all bubbly inside!
I decided to write a new version of the orchestral piece "Bolero", where instead of the music beginning softly and then slowly rising to a great crescendo, exactly the opposite happens: it starts loud and lively and slowly diminishes to something soft.
I guess you could say I am un-Raveling the piece.
Why do cosmetologists always get a second chance after failing an exam?
It's a make-up assignment.
How do you tell the sex of a chromosome?
Pull down it's genes.
Chuck Norris just got shot
The bullet is in critical condition.
i once appeared in a james bond porno movie
I was a bit nervous but did manage to cum on Q
This dadjokes subreddit seems obsessed with Chuck Norris jokes.
It's a Van Damme shame.
I’m reading a horror story in braille.
Something bad is going to happen, I can feel it.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye matey
I have a friend who goes mad every time he visits the doctor
He’s clinically insane
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