I sent my son to his room when he said Jim Morrison wasn't a good musician.
We don't slam The Doors in this house.
While out Christmas shopping with my wife, she asked why I bought myself cut-off shorts, a fishnet crop top, and rainbow fingerless gloves.
I looked at her and sang, “Dawn… we now own gay apparel.”
My wife was trying on a new dress when she said, “Why do you keep staring at my boobs?”
I said, “To upload them to my mammary bank.”
Christopher Walken wanted to take his wife to a fancy restaurant. He called to see if he needed a reservation
The hostess told him all walk ins are welcomed.
I told a joke in a video conference but no-one laughed
Guess I am not remotely funny
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman
What happens when a microscope crashes into a telescope?
They kaleidoscope.
Mariah Carey is opening her Xmas PresentInside she finds a deed to an undeveloped plot of land that is zoned residential.
Disappointed, she set the deed down and says.. "I don't want a lot for Christmas"
"Come to me" CandleI was in bed bath and beyond with the missus getting asked if I like the smell of "leather bound book" or "apple fall". I wasn't the only male being dragged through this torment. When one of the guys with his wife pulls out this absolute gem.
He picks up a candle and says to his wife, "look Hun this one is called come to me". He gives it a big sniff and holds it towards her for her to smell and says "does it smell like come to you?"
The wife asked me should she put the tree up herself this year...
... I said no we should put it up in the lounge!
The smallest state in the US has decided to change the name of all of its traffic medians.
They’ll now be referred to as road islands.
The painterThere was a famous artist in the prime of her career who started losing her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world.
After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy her eyesight was restored. The painter was so grateful that she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctor's office.
Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall. When she had finished her work, she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art: the doctor's office.
During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall and asked the doctor, "What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office, especially that large eye on the wall?"
The ophthalmologist responded, “I said to myself 'Thank God I'm not a proctologist.'"
I talk in my sleep and nothing I say is true, but the kids never wake me up.
Because you should always let sleeping dads lie
Who is Bart Simpson's arch nemesis?
The Bartender
Blind prostitutes..
You got to hand it to them
After putting a pair of pants on the counter, the clerk informed me if I bought another, it would be half off.
Seriously, though. What am I supposed to do with half a pair of pants?
Wholesome is a weird word
Which one is it!?
I text my girlfriend that I was getting frustrated with people’s unfounded mistrust of AI.
She wrote back, “Totally understandable, babe. Some people judge AI without really knowing how advanced it’s becoming. And your observations are completely valid.” Memory updated.
My wife says I have 2 major faults
I don't listen. And euhm something else
The Joker was recently diagnosed with ADHD.
He was prescribed Riddlin.
Whenever I lose something I ask my Indian neighbours to help.
After all, Sikh and you shall find.
Tornado tried stand-up comedy
but all it did was spin the same jokes over and over. (They still blew the audience away.)
What do you call a duck that steals things?
A Robber Ducky.
I told the Teacher she needs to ask me a much harder question than what are the 5th, 26th, 16th and 26th letters of the alphabet.
Because that's E Z P Z
My wife
I was in the pub this evening having a few jars when one of the lads turned round and said that his wife was an angel, I said you’re lucky mate mines still alive.
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