My wife asked if I could explain what a double entendre is.
I said "i'll fill you in."
Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson are merging.
The new company is called Titty Titty Bang Bang.
My boss wants me to sign up for a 401K.
No way I'm running that far.
I hired a kid to paint my porch, when he came back to my front door hours later to get paid…
He informed me it was a BMW, not a Porsche.
Judge: "It's the tenth time now, you're stealing the same board game from the same toy shop. Why are you doing this?"
Defendant: "I guess I just love taking Risks?"
What's a pirate's favorite Nirvana song?
Come as you ARRRRrrrggghhh!
A guy walks into my auto shop and says, “Can you change a tire? I’ve got a massive flat.”
I said, “Sorry Sir… these are the only clothes I brought with me, but I’d still love to see your spacious apartment.”
What do you call it when a McDonald’s employee has to work two shifts in a row?
A McDouble.
I got a new oven for my wife
Seemed like a good trade at the time.
What does a pig use to get clear skin?
Oinkment
My girlfriend said our spark was gone...So I bought her an e-reader.
Thankfully, our romance has been re-Kindled!
(i hope this is right im writing in a delirious haze of sleepyness)
What do you call a truck with a backfiring engine?
A hiccup truck.
What do you get when you crossbreed a cow and an octopus?
A stern rebuke from your university's ethics board and an immediate cessation of funding.
37. The invisible man married an invisible woman.
Their kids were nothing to look at either.
Bob and Sue were strolling down the street when they bumped into a priest.The priest smiled and said, “Ah! Didn’t I marry you two last year?”
Bob nodded. “Yes, Father, you did.”
“And tell me,” the priest asked, “any little ones yet?”
Sue sighed, “Not yet, unfortunately.”
With a warm grin, the priest said, “Well, I’m on my way to Rome. I’ll light a candle for you—may it bless you with children.” Then he waved goodbye and continued on his way.
Years later, Sue ran into the same priest again.
He asked eagerly, “So, did the candle work? Any children?”
Sue laughed, “Oh, yes! Two sets of twins and six more after that—ten kids altogether!”
The priest’s eyes widened. “Ten! That’s incredible! But… where’s Bob?”
Sue leaned in and winked. “He went to Rome… to blow out your candle.”
What do you say to a woman with a small but growing baby bump?
“It’s becoming apparent that you’re becoming a parent”
Who doesn't like pizza?
A weirdough
I invited a bunch a friends over to smoke some weed & to check out the new bath towels I bought on Amazon. No one showed up
They left me high & dry
Someone told me you sound like an owl.
Who? Whoo???
What did the horse dress up for Halloween?
A night mare.
Why was the moon wet?
Because it was waning
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.
There would be mass confusion.
Why wasn’t the student thrilled about college?
It only works to a degree.
My dog pays me rent for sleeping in the spare room.
He's a boarder collie
My favorite winter coat is falling apart and I'm going to have to throw it out.
Or sew its seams.
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