My lesbian friend was telling me about how expensive it was for her and her wife to have a baby. Even the sperm banks was charging outrageous prices.
I told her , "yeah anything hand made is going to cost a lot."
I went to my doctors and noticed that they had my blood type recorded as B+. I said, that’s not right...
that's gotta be a type O
After 59 years I finally come to terms with not being able to get back to my original weight goal
After all 8 lb 3 oz is pretty unrealistic
A friend said she did not understand cloning. I told her...
that makes two of us.
Why isn't there a clock in the library?
Because it tocks too much.
She came in wearing a dress the color of pastrami, a blouse the color of rye bread and a scarf the color of sauerkraut.
Some would say she was...Reubenesque.
Cop pulls over a little old lady and asks for her licence and registration.
When she pulls out her wallet, he sees a handgun in her purse. "Ma'am, is that a gun in your purse?" "Yes, Officer, it's a .38 Smith & Wesson revolver." "Please place that purse on the passenger seat, Ma'am, and don't make any sudden moves towards it. Do you have any other weapons I should know about?" "Well, there's a Colt 1911 automatic in the glove compartment..." "Okay, let's stay away from that side of the car. Anything else?" "I got a .22 Derringer in my bra, but it's just a little peashooter. Wouldn't hurt a fly." The cop sighs, and asks, "Do you have any other weapons on you?" "What do you mean by 'on me'?" "Ma'am, do you have any other weapons? Just tell me." "Okay, there's a Mossberg 12 gauge pump action and an AK-47 in the trunk." The cop pauses for a moment. "Ma'am, you have a revolver, a derringer, an automatic pistol, a shotgun, and an assault rifle, What are you so afraid of?" "Not a goddamn thing.”
Came up with this absolute groaner just to annoy my son tonight.Goes like this: So there’s these new windmills that have been created, right? They’re fully automated and have even been designed to speak. Weird thing is, they only speak in baby talk.
And, well, the funds to develop them didn’t exactly come from reputable places. As a result, security is tight, and only a handful of mafia dons have the keys to get into these windmills.
And it’s all bound to fail. You know why?
Because nobody’s seeing the irony in a bunch of windmills saying “Don key? Otay!”
A Mexican fireman has two sons. Ones name is Jose. Whats the other sons name?
Hose B
Who are the most immoral and wicked leaders?
Vice presidents.
A horse walks into a bar...
The bartender says, "Hey." The horse says, "Sure."
Why did Vietnam like the communists?
Because they were So-viet!
Why did the sailors have to stop playing cards?
The Captain was standing on the deck.
What do you call an aircraft full of 420-enjoying bodybuilders?
A high-jacked plane
How’d the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank coffee before it was cool.
Did you hear who won the laundry detergent competition?
They Tide... but certainly gave it their All.
Fun fact: Koi Fish Always Travel in Groups of Four
If attacked, koi A, B, and C scatter, leavign behind the D koi.
After years of research, I have invented a new kind of saw.
It's cutting-edge technology.
My friend wrote a essay about philosophy to convince me a 2-inch river was shallow
I told him it wasn't that deep
Never argue with a blind person.
They'll never see things from your point of view.
Turns out my expensive cashmere sweater is actually made of wool
I've been fleeced.
What kind of building weighs the least?
A Lighthouse
Where’s the best place to look when playing hide and seek with a park ranger?
In the hydrangea!
One time I met a beekeeper who had a glass eye with a picture of the Disney character Belle.
I was confused until I remembered that beauty is in the eye of the bee holder
What did Osama Bin Ladin say when he met Jackie?
"Hi Jackie!"
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