For Valentine's Day, I asked my Valentines to dress up as a nurse.
At last, I got to fulfil my fantasy of having access to healthcare.
I asked a German girl for her number, but I’m still waiting for the rest of the digits
So far, I only have “nine”
why did the mexican take anti-anxiety medications
for hispanic attacks
Did you hear about the cheese factory that got blown up?
Da Brie was everywhere.
Do you know what a reverse exorcism is?
It's when the devil tells the priest to get out of the boy
Your duck is dead!A woman brings a duck to the vet. The vet says "your duck is dead". The woman says "are you sure?"
Vet: "Yes". Woman: "How can you be sure you've done no tests?".
The vet brings in a Labrador retriever which sniffs the duck and shakes its head. Next, a cat sniffs the duck and shakes its head. Vet says "sorry, but as I said your duck is dead".
Vet hands woman a bill. She cries, "$820 to tell me my duck is dead!". Vet says "if you had taken my word for it, the bill would be $20, but Lab Reports and Cat Scans cost extra".
Its Valentine's Day!...I want my girlfriend to be swept off her feet and transported to the tropics...
...so I reported her to ICE.
I can’t believe someone stole my limbo stick..
I mean.. how low can you go.
Never use Beef casserole as you computer password
It's not stroganoff
Two guys are walking down the street and come upon a dog licking his balls. One guy says to the other, "I wish I could do that"
The other guy replies, "I'd pet him first"
Why do you only ever see teenage girls in groups of 3, 5 or 7?
Because they can't even...
I grilled a chicken for three hours
It still wouldn't tell me why it crossed the road.
Guy decides to convert to Christianity. He studies hard and meets with a priest to see if he is ready.The priest says, “Let’s start with the basics, where was Jesus born?”
“Pittsburgh!” The guy answers.
“No! What are you talking about? Try again.” The priest replies.
The guy think for a moment and says “Philadelphia?”
The priest shakes his head and says “Bethlehem. Jesus was born in Bethlehem.”
The guys says “I knew it was a city in Pennsylvania!”
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with boob implants?
Ones a crusty bus station, the others a busty crustacean
Did you guys know that Karl Marx had a less famous sister named Onya?
She invented the starting pistol
Did you hear about the new muppets they introduced that work at a crematorium?
Burnt and Urny
Woo! I had a date this valentine!
I really enjoyed it. I might try a fig next week.
How many ADHD kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?How many?
Wanna ride bikes?
Why was the broom late for class?
It overswept.
My doctor told me I’ll have hearing aids soon
But for now it’s just hearing HIV
When my grandfather was in the army, he was hit with pepper spray and mustard gas.
He's a seasoned veteran.
Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?
Because the “P” is silent.
What do you call an Indian karaoke singer?
Getupan Singh
Why did the man fall down the well?
Because he just couldn’t see that well.
Why are Java developers so scared of socialism?
Because they object to the abolition of classes.
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