A lady was looking for a turkey but couldn't find one big enough. She asked the stock boy "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied "No they're dead."
My wife asked me to name all my sexual partners in order.
I probably should have stopped when I got to her name.
In Britain we call it a “lift” but Americans call it an “elevator”
I guess we are just raised differently.
My lesbian friend was telling me about how expensive it was for her and her wife to have a baby. Even the sperm banks was charging outrageous prices.
I told her , "yeah anything hand made is going to cost a lot."
Teacher: Make a sentence that starts withe "I"Student: I is...
Teacher: No you should say "I am" not "I is"
Student: I am the 9th letter of the alphabet
Came up with this absolute groaner just to annoy my son tonight.(It goes like this): So there’s these new windmills that have been created, right? They’re fully automated and have even been designed to speak. Weird thing is, they only speak in baby talk.
And, well, the funds to develop them didn’t exactly come from reputable places. As a result, security is tight, and only a handful of mafia dons have the keys to get into these windmills.
And it’s all bound to fail. You know why?
Because nobody’s seeing the irony in a bunch of windmills saying “Don key? Otay!”
I went to my doctors and noticed that they had my blood type recorded as B+. I said, that’s not right...
that's gotta be a type O
My dog ate my pronouns.
He-She-It everywhere!
My wife asked me for a divorce today for being too un-American.
I saw it coming from a kilometre away.
I was worried that choosing Christianity for my research project would be too complex.
But it was mostly cross-referencing.
A horse walks into a bar...The bartender says, "Hey."
The horse says, "Sure."
After 59 years I finally come to terms with not being able to get back to my original weight goal
After all 8 lb 3 oz is pretty unrealistic
A friend said she did not understand cloning. I told her...
that makes two of us.
Why isn't there a clock in the library?
Because it tocks too much.
Times flies like an arrowFruit flies like a banana
-Groucho Marx
That’s a nice ham you got there
It’d be a shame if someone were to put an ‘s’ in front of it and an ‘e’ behind it
What do you call a brunch you throw just to use up those weird jams in the back of the fridge?A
quince-añera. I know this is extra terrible, but it came to me in a dream and needed to share with someone.
I throw a ball for my dog
He looks great in a tuxedo.
My doctor recently told me I have Tom Jones syndrome
I said''Is that common?''He said''#It's not unusual#''
She came in wearing a dress the color of pastrami, a blouse the color of rye bread and a scarf the color of sauerkraut.
Some would say she was...Reubenesque.
What do you get if you cross Hitler with 80s synth pop?
The invasion of Roland
Fun fact: Koi Fish Always Travel in Groups of Four
If attacked, koi A, B, and C scatter, leavign behind the D koi.
Saw a Couple Dressed as King & Queen Chess Pieces at the Texas Renaissance Faire.Now that’s how you keep your man in check.
To the couple wearing the giant chess piece hats this past weekend at TRF, your costumes were awesome! Thanks for the inspiration for this joke!
Cop pulls over a little old lady and asks for her licence and registration.
When she pulls out her wallet, he sees a handgun in her purse. "Ma'am, is that a gun in your purse?" "Yes, Officer, it's a .38 Smith & Wesson revolver." "Please place that purse on the passenger seat, Ma'am, and don't make any sudden moves towards it. Do you have any other weapons I should know about?" "Well, there's a Colt 1911 automatic in the glove compartment..." "Okay, let's stay away from that side of the car. Anything else?" "I got a .22 Derringer in my bra, but it's just a little peashooter. Wouldn't hurt a fly." The cop sighs, and asks, "Do you have any other weapons on you?" "What do you mean by 'on me'?" "Ma'am, do you have any other weapons? Just tell me." "Okay, there's a Mossberg 12 gauge pump action and an AK-47 in the trunk." The cop pauses for a moment. "Ma'am, you have a revolver, a derringer, an automatic pistol, a shotgun, and an assault rifle, What are you so afraid of?" "Not a goddamn thing.”
top
