I got my husband pretty goodWe were on a walk, and we passed the site of where a fireworks store once stood. Someone crashed a car into it, and the place exploded and burned down pretty dramatically. All that's left is a slab and some of the flooring.
We were poking around at it out of curiosity, and I pointed at the ground and said, "This must have been a French restaurant at some point."
Him: "What? Seriously? How would you know?"
Me: "Yeah you see these bits of flooring here? That's linoleum blown apart."
He groaned so loudly, people across the street looked up to see what had caused this man such anguish.
What happens when a microscope crashes into a telescope?
They kaleidoscope.
A princess announced to her many suitors that she would marry whoever could bring her the most ping pong balls.The first suitor returned after two weeks with hundreds of horse-drawn carriages filled to the brim. He had managed to find one million ping pong balls, and the princess was quite impressed.
The second suitor, determined to win, spent months at sea, returning with a fleet of massive cargo ships. When they docked, they delivered 100 million ping pong balls. The princess was certain he was the winner.
The third suitor didn't show up for a whole year. When he finally arrived, he was bruised, battered, and covered in scratches. He limped up to the throne clutching a single, heavy brown sack.
The princess laughed and said, "What are you doing? My second suitor brought 100 million balls! You're wasting my time with one little bag."
The man looked up, confused and exhausted, and whispered, "But princess... I thought you said King Kong balls!"
My kid wanted to go to the Lego store
I told him no way, people are lined up for blocks over there.
How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant?
He forgot to wrap his Whopper...
I entered my suitcase into a beauty pageant and it came in last place.
Worst case scenario.
I finally worked up the courage to ask my blind coworker if she was currently seeing anyone.
She said, “No, but I have a boyfriend.”
My wife left me because I have an unhealthy obsession with Africa.
Kenya believe it?!
What do you call a chicken staring at a bowl of lettuce?
Chicken Caesa' salad.
Why didn’t the Medium need to cross the road?
She already knew what was on the other side.
Do you know that too much sex can cause you memory loss
I read it on page 14 in a medical journal on the 12th of March 2018 at 7:41 pm shortly After I returned from returning a book to the library that was 21 days past due then went shopping for three apples, a quart of ice cream and an innertube patch on the way home from buying a large milkshake with whip cream from dairy queen and stepped on 2 ants walking into the house
You can't plant flowers,
if you haven't botany.
Do you think Timothy Dalton and Pierce Brosnan hang out?
I can see those two bonding
Saw an opportunity and I took itThere was a Civil War event in my town this past weekend. I was driving by with my wife and I saw someone dressed as Abraham Lincoln standing under a canopy with a sign that said "Information Booth"
I said to my wife "it's a good thing it's not the John Wilkes information Booth"
Blank stare from my wife
*Realization hits*
Wife: "That's terrible"
If anyone wants a discount on a harp, let me know...
I can pull some strings...
What do you call an aging actor who paid his home off?
Mortgage Freeman
Why did Captain America have Thor, Iron Man and The Hulk help him build lego?
Because, Avengers assemble.
What does a Skeleton order when it goes into a bar?
A beer and a mop
What do you call a concious wolf?
Aware-wolf
Who is the coolest person in the hospital?
That would be the ultrasound guy.
What do you call a bunch of legumes in the freezer?
Cool beans...
Why didn't the security guard trust the grapes?
Because he felt that they were raisin suspicion.
My wife challenged me to bake her a pizza in the shape of the Eiffel tower.
I thought to myself... that's a tall order.
There are beagles, seagulls, and eagles…
but no d-gulls.
Someone called me a peasant. I was not phased.
It was a feudal attempt to insult me.
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