A man obsessed with trains finally steals one and crashes it.At his trial, he's found guilty and sentenced to death. For his last meal, he asks for a single banana. The next day, he's strapped to the electric chair. They pull the switch but nothing happens. By law, he walks free. Within a week, he hijacks another train and crashes it. Again, he's sentenced t
death. Again, he asks for a banana.
Again, nothing happens. He's released.
The third time, they refuse his banana request.
"Oh no you don't, you son of a b we know your little banana trick!" They serve steak instead.
The next morning, they strap him in, flip the switch... nothing happens.
"Did you give him the banana?" the guard yells.
"No, sir!"
Turns out, the banana had nothing to do with it.
He was just a really bad conductor.
We were taking a candlelit bubble bath when my wife said, “No offense, but this feels awkward.” I said, “Well… I guess I could tell dad jokes.” She rolled her eyes and sighed, “Ugh, fine.”
I turned to my dad and said, “OK, so two guys walk into a bar…”
I tried to make my password "myunderwear"
Then I was informed that passwords must be changed regularly
Why is Mississippi taking so long to count the votes?
Because this is how they count
One Mississippi
Two Mississippi
…
Why do programmers love dark mode?
Because light attracts bugs!
A voyage to Antarctica can be exciting, but you need to be careful.
Things can go south really fast.
Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?
Fo' drizzle
A chicken walked into a bar
A chicken walked into a bar at happy hour and ordered two cocktails. Moments later, two roosters at the end of the counter shuffled out the door with their backs pressed to the wall.
CoffeeI ordered coffee the other day, and the barrista asked for my name.
I said, " Some people call me the space cowboy.
Some people call me the gangster of love. "
And went and sat down.
A few seconds later.
"Coffee for Maurice."
A man was rushed to the hospital, with the whole left side of his body missing.
He's all right now.
What do you call a male cow who sleeps a lot?
A Bulldozer.
Where can you go to buy nothing?
The HOLE sale (wholesale) store!
Did you know "The Flintstones" is controversial in the United Arab Emirates?
People in Dubai don't like it, but people in Abu Dhabi DOOOOOO
What do you do if B12 shows up at your door?
You vitamin
Lame joke of the day...
did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda?
...he was lucky it was a soft drink.
What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children?
If your father could see you now, he’d turn over in his gravy!
Why is it so expensive to send a cat into space?
The price is a cat astral fee!
What’s the difference between Walt Disney and Bing Crosby?Bing sings.
Walt Disney
Breaking News: A man has been stealing wheels off of police cars.
the Police are working tirelessly to catch him.
I got stuck on a mountain somehow.
I need to get to the bottom of this.
Sent my girlfriend a photo of my physique and she text back, "Wow that picture is very flattering."
Two minutes later she added: "Sorry I mistyped 'flattening'."
I mow my grass ten times a week.
It's a decathlawn.
On a dark dessert highway I have?
Cool whip in my hair
How does Jesus prepare his coffee…
Hebrews it.
Genetics ExperimentA geneticist once spliced the DNA of a crab to the DNA of a cheetah.
Things went sideways really fast!
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