Christopher Walken wanted to take his wife to a fancy restaurant. He called to see if he needed a reservation
The hostess told him all walk ins are welcomed.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman
The painterThere was a famous artist in the prime of her career who started losing her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world.
After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy her eyesight was restored. The painter was so grateful that she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctor's office.
Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall. When she had finished her work, she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art: the doctor's office.
During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall and asked the doctor, "What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office, especially that large eye on the wall?"
The ophthalmologist responded, “I said to myself 'Thank God I'm not a proctologist.'"
The smallest state in the US has decided to change the name of all of its traffic medians.
They’ll now be referred to as road islands.
Blind prostitutes..
You got to hand it to them
My wife says I have 2 major faults
I don't listen. And euhm something else
Who is Bart Simpson's arch nemesis?
The Bartender
Which country has women with the most amount of meat in their bodies?
Thighland.
It's a shame nothing is built in the USA anymore...
I just bought a TV and it said "built-in antenna"
This Thanksgiving, I’m thankful for maps.
I don’t know where I’d be without them.
I used to be addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers.
Thankfully I was able to quit cold turkey.
My wife
I was in the pub this evening having a few jars when one of the lads turned round and said that his wife was an angel, I said you’re lucky mate mines still alive.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road.
I can't decide if I want to sell my mattress or keep it.
I think I'll sleep on it.
What do you call a teenager who refuses to grow up?
Constantine.
Why couldn't two elephants go swimming?
They only had one pair of trunks.
“I bet you can’t tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time,” a husband says to his wife.
She thinks about it for a moment and then responds, “Your penis is bigger than your brother’s
I was a the zoo recently and saw 3 dinner rolls in a cage
A nearby sign said they were bread in captivity
I wanted to commission a family portraitThe cheapest painter I could find was known for sketching dogs and nothing else. But if he’s the only painter I can afford then I guess
the labradoodle dude’ll do
Did you hear about the new bakery that makes ordering really easy?
I ordered online, it was a piece of cake.
Do you know that Jesus was originally named Gary
But then Mary stubbed her toe.
If I had a dollar every time someone said I was singing a semitone out of tune...
I'd have 100 cents
I have started a new campaign to educate people on the benefits of eating dried grapes.
It’s all about raisin awareness.
A man who was in court for stealing a bag took just three minutes to get sentenced.
It was a briefcase.
top
