A pregnant woman expecting twins fell into a coma. While she was unconscious, she gave birth. When she finally woke up, the doctors told her that everything went fine and her brother had named the babies.She panicked and said, “Oh no… my brother is an idiot. What did he name them?”
The doctor said, “Well, for the girl, he chose Denise.”
She sighed in relief. “Okay… that’s actually not bad. What about the boy?”
The doctor replied:
“…Denephew.”
Breaking News: today a man was shot with a starting pistol then severely beaten with a relay baton;
Investigators believe that it was a race related attack
How does a train eat?
It goes chew, chew!
I just moved twenty cents from my left pocket to my right.
It was a pair o’ dime shift
I told my friend he'd make a great father; I have a sixth sense
I see dad people
Check this one out
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Loud ammunition is better for hunting deer
That way you get more bang for your buck
Told my wife I saw a wolf on the way in to work today
She asked where, I said no, it was just the regular kind
How do you get down from an Elephant?
You don't, you get down from a Duck.
Scientists recently combined DNA of a cheetah with the DNA of a crab.
Things went sideways real fast.
Please be patient while I figure out who stole your telescope.
I’m looking into it.
I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer this morning
I dunno what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day
I changed the voice on my GPS to Bono from U2.
Now i'm in a city of blinding lights, the streets have no name and i still haven't found what i'm looking for.
I will never forget my dad's advice the day I ran to him crying because the school bully took my shoes.
He said: Dont cry, son. One day you'll grow a pair.
Due to personal reasons, I will be saying “Aye” and “Arrrggggh” instead of yes and no for the time being.
Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
You can always tell summer is almost over when you see a group of lions.
It's the pride before the fall.
Our barn had a rodent problem so we got a cat named Nuclear Bomb.
He's a weapon of mouse destruction.
I asked my son if he knew the difference between a lawyer and a liar.
He said, "what? You're just saying the same word twice."
My favourite place to workout is the morgue
I love doing deadlifts
Where does Lassie generate hydroelectric power?
the Grand Collie Dam.
Guy walks into a store and asks the clerk, "Where's the alcohol?"Clerk replies, "I'm sorry, this is a candy store."
Guy pleads, "Do you have any candy with alcohol in it?"
Clerk walks down an aisle and returns with a bag.
Guy looks at the bag and says, "This isn't quite what I wanted."
Clerk replies, "Well, it is liquor-ish..."
What do giants smoke?
Bigarettes
Not everyone thinks Cleopatra is beautiful….
But that’s how Julius Ceasar!
What did the sunrise say to the dew?You will be mist.
Not sure if oc or not, but it did dawn on me this morning.
What do you call an Asian Dwayne Johnson?
The Wok.
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