This just happened in real life, and I got not even a chuckle.True story: the wife and I were walking in Target this evening. We were walking in the clothing section, behind an employee who was moving a mannequin. Out of nowhere the whole arm pops off, and the poor woman can’t bend to pick it up because… ya know… she’s holding the rest of the mannequin. So I walk up, grab the limb while she’s looking around for another employee to help, hold it out to her and say…
“Here, let me give you a hand”
She took it. No laughter. My wife? Nothing. So I am posting here in the hopes that my genius will be appreciated. Keep getting those dad jokes in the wild, folks.
Taylor and Travis's engagement has been called off
A video review showed that Travis's knee never actually touched the ground. The ruling on the field is reversed.
What do you call someone who has 10,000 hrs of fishing experience?
A master baiter.
I switched all the labels on my wife's spice rack.I am not in trouble yet.
But the thyme is cumin.
Why do vampires avoid high-level corporate jobs?
They're afraid of stakeholders.
Ravens and crows look very similar: ravens have 13 pinion feathers while crows only have 12.
The difference between the two is just a matter of a pinion.
How many nuns does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. Because nuns don’t screw.
Today I ordered the catfish sandwich.
It looked nothing like the pictures in the menu.
I told my daughter that she'd better change her attitude..
To which she replied, "for complaints please speak to the manufacturer".
my wife left me cause of my Star Wars addiction
may the divorce be with me
What do cake and Cricket have in common?
They both need a batter.
I wasn't smart enough to be an atheist
I only managed to become a B theist.
A guy walks into a bar & orders a beer. Soon he hears a voice: "Nice tie!" But no other customers are around. A few minutes later: "Looks like you've been working out." So he asks the bartender what's up? The bartender says ...
It''s the peanuts. They're complimentary.
If Antarctica covers the South Pole, what covers the North Pole?…
Uncle-arctica
What does a computer eat?
Processed food.
Wouldn’t you know it: the weekend is getting close and I’m already starting to feel sick again.
I must have a weekend immune system.
Why did Elvis get sprayed by his can of coke?It was all shook up.
Thank you very much.
I used to play piano by ear
but now I use my hands.
I was upset when the mermaid I’d been chatting with never showed up for our date.
Then I realized she was probably out of my league.
What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts?
A barber-queue!
What did the blind guy say on his honeymoon,
I did not see that coming
I told my plants I love them.
Now they're rooting for me
I really wanted to open my own bakery
I just couldnt raise the dough.
Why couldn’t Moses believe his eyes when he saw the Red Sea part?
Cause he was born in de Nile.
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