What STD do Jedi's catch?
Sithilis
I bought a Russian advent calendar.
Every time you open a window, an oligarch falls out.
Why is it easy to break up with a stormtrooper?
He'll never know what he's missing.
I got my husband a "get better" card.
He's not ill, he just really could get better.
Why is South Korea the only country that will get into heaven?
It’s the only country with a Seoul!
A guy calls a handyman in a panic: "Help! My front doorknob has been stolen! I can't get in my own home!"
The handyman replies: "Don't worry, I'll handle it."
I told my coworkers I was going to start a band called "1023MB"
we havent gotten a gig yet.
What do you call a crocodile that raps ?
Rap-tile
Why do geese fly south in winter?
because it would take longer if they walked
Daughter made me so proud
We're playing a game where there are words on cards (Codenames, for the curious) and the card with the word "row" was slightly askew. So she reached out to straighten it, and said she "row"tated it (accentuating the "row" part of the word. Proud dad!
Why can't we all stand up as one and say no more vaccines?
Having polio makes it hard to stand
I saw “chicken tongue” on the breakfast menu and thought, “Disgusting! Why would anyone ever eat something that came out of a chicken’s mouth??”
So I got some eggs
For the first time ever my wife took the window seat on the plane.
Aisle be darned.
What do you call a camel with no humps?
Humphrey
what do you call a woman with no arms and no legs on a tennis court?
A net... and who keeps making all that racket?!
What did the stoner say when he proposed?
Marriage - you wanna?
What’s a bee’s favorite type of candy?Bumble-gum
(Written by my son when he was 6)
How many phones does an amoeba have?
One.
It’s a single cell organism.
Which pizza place only serves pizza with small fish on it?
Domminnows
How do blind people write their name in the snow?
Braille of course.
The Inventor of the jug died today.
Tributes have been pouring in.
Pirates are some of the horniest people on the planet.
They're always talking about chests and booties.
Why did the ghost have chicken for dinner?
He was a poultrygeist
My grandfather complained that my generation relies too much on technology,
so I unplugged his life support
“My face in the mirror isn’t wrinkled or drawn.
My house isn’t dirty. The cobwebs are gone. My garden looks lovely and so does my lawn. I think I might never put my glasses back on.”
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