I've just invented a new game which I'm calling silent tennis.
It's just like normal tennis but without the racket.
There was a man on a boat with a pack a cigarettes but nothing to light them with
So the man took one of the cigarettes and threw it overboard, and the entire boat because a cigarette lighter
The doctor asked why I drank brake fluid.
I told him I just couldn’t stop.
I was driving with my daughter on a dirt road and was passing some people walking. I leaned over and called out to them, "Be careful!"
My daughter asked me why I said that. I answered, "Well, the sign back there did say 'Caution Pedestrians. '"
Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house?
Because the ghosts bring all the boos.
I finally realized why trees don’t have teeth…
Turns out, they’re all bark and no bite!
What kind of underwear do trees wear?
Trunks
Elton John is really fussy when it comes to salad
He's a rocket man
Fellas, if you’re trying to pick up a woman…
Remember, lift with your legs.
I just got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows and nuts.
I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
What's a tortoise's favorite kind of music?
Slow jams
What do you call a chicken that crosses the road, rolls around in mud, then crosses back over?
A dirty double-crosser, that’s what.
My grandfather is really frustrated that he has to use the chair lift to go upstairs.
It is driving him up the wall.
My girlfriend's kink was dressing up as a banana and doing a slow erotic strip show for me.
I found it very appealing.
What are people, who never get angry?
Nomads!
I poured my root beer into a square mug...
And now it's just beer.
I'm quitting my job to travel the world until I'm broke.
I'll be back in time for dinner.
You know the guy that invented the “tic tac”
He made a mint
What does a house wear?
Address
Never fall in love with a tennis player at Wimbledon.
To them,Love means nothing.
How does Luke Skywalker travel?
Ewoks.
What does a musician do before he goes on a date?
Be natural.
Newly declassified papers reveal that Richard Nixon's resignation from the presidency didn't actually have anything to do with Watergate. It turns out he actually stepped down so he could concentrate full-time on his second career as a card player.
That's right, he called his reign on account of games.
My girlfriend said if I make one more lettuce pun she's going to leave me
I asked her to please romaine calm
How much do pirates pay to get their ears pierced?
A buccaneer
top
