What did the electrician's wife say when her husband came home late from work?
Wire you insulate
I asked the librarian if they had books on paranoia.
She whispered, “They’re right behind you."
Missouri has the most bordering states (8, tied with tennessee) out of any of the 50 United States of America.
You know what they say, Missouri loves company.
What STD do Jedi's catch?
Sithilis
Why do geese fly south in winter?
because it would take longer if they walked
Why can't we all stand up as one and say no more vaccines?
Having polio makes it hard to stand
Why is it easy to break up with a stormtrooper?
He'll never know what he's missing.
I got my husband a "get better" card.
He's not ill, he just really could get better.
I bought a Russian advent calendar.
Every time you open a window, an oligarch falls out.
Why did Santa take a break?
He felt Claus-trophobic
A guy calls a handyman in a panic: "Help! My front doorknob has been stolen! I can't get in my own home!"
The handyman replies: "Don't worry, I'll handle it."
Why is South Korea the only country that will get into heaven?
It’s the only country with a Seoul!
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes.
She gave me a hug.
What do you call a crocodile that raps ?
Rap-tile
I told my coworkers I was going to start a band called "1023MB"
we havent gotten a gig yet.
I was going to make a pun about a Brit winning the F1 World Championship
But I was worried the joke might not Lando.
My daughter is much smarter than other children
She just completed her Advent Calendar 17 days early
What do you call a bear with no teeth
A gummy bear
Not to be technical, but...
according to chemistry, alcohol is a solution.
Daughter made me so proud
We're playing a game where there are words on cards (Codenames, for the curious) and the card with the word "row" was slightly askew. So she reached out to straighten it, and said she "row"tated it (accentuating the "row" part of the word. Proud dad!
What’s a Christmas tree’s favorite candy? .
Orna-mints.
Someone told me that the moon landing was staged, and I agreed 100%
I said "because that's how all orbital rocket work dude!"
Why was the soldier so introverted?
Because he was just a little private.
I saw “chicken tongue” on the breakfast menu and thought, “Disgusting! Why would anyone ever eat something that came out of a chicken’s mouth??”
So I got some eggs
The hallucinatory dieter thought he was eating a delicious mint candy with fig
But it was just a fig mint of his imagination
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