An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train. After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying."I know that, in your religion, you’re not supposed to eat pork... Have you actually ever tasted it?
The Rabbi said, "I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion."
Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "Your religion, too...I know you’re supposed to be celibate. But...."
The priest replied, "Yes, I know what you’re going to ask. I have succumbed once or twice."
There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he was reading and said, "Better than pork, isn’t it?"
Say what you will about Die Hard, but it has the best ending for a Christmas movie
Hans down
What do you call a camel with no humps?
Humphrey.
My daughter defused my son's repeated 6-7's perfectly
Since my son turned 7 yrs old he has picked up the 6-7 meme, presumably from school friends. My daughter turned 4 and innocently assumed 6-7 was something to do with her brother's age, so she responds with "3-4" every time! Think it's her first dad joke, so proud!
I finally overcame my addiction to swimming.
Still, I'm worried about re-laps.
Where do eggs keep their holiday pictures?
In a photo albumen.
Dad: What is the opposite of ladyfingers?The family: No idea
Dad: Mentos
Karl Marx is historically famous, but no-one ever mentions his sister
Onya, the inventor of the starter pistol
How does an English teacher comfort their students?
There, their, they're
What do you call it when all the elves clap for their boss?
Santapplause.
"When I eat alphabet soup, I only eat the vowels.""Why?"
"Sometimes."
A genie granted me one wish, so I wished to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
Why do chess players want Eastern European brides?
Because they’re looking for a Czech-mate.
Instead of using paper plates, my cheap grandpa just rips dish shapes out of newspaper.
It’s tear a bowl.
My neighbor's wife attacked her husband with his guitar collection.At her arraignment the judge asked, "First offender?"
She said "No, first a Gibson, then a Fender."
Did you hear about the guy who crimps the caps on Coke bottles?
He had to quit. He couldn’t take it anymore. It was just soda pressing.
What do epileptic snakes have?
Hissy fits.
I have a statistics joke
but it's not significant.
What's a corpse eating evil spirits favorite condiment?
Ghoulden's Spicy Brown Mustard
After cooking some bacon, I was saving the grease for a special recipe, when my dad walked by and sprinkled a bunch of flour into the pan…
He is going to roux the day that he did that!
What do you call Santa without GPS?
A lost Clause.
I got fired from my job as a cemetery journalist for worrying people too much.
I only delivered grave news.
On Tuesday I want to go to the autopsy club.
They're having an open Mike night.
And so Jesus spake unponst James and proclaimed, “Come forth my son and ye shall receive eternal life.”
Unfortunately for John, he came sixth and received a carriage clock…
My nipple was in the Guinness' Book of World Records...
...but then the librarian asked me to take it out.
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