My new car has a button for just about everything.It even has one that says "rear wiper"
Still too afraid to try that one.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect
and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
I didn’t know what I was supposed to wear to the pre-ejaculators meeting
so I just came in my pants
My boss said "dress for the job you want, not the job you have"
I went in as Batman
What do you call a dog that digs up really old bones?
A barkaeologist
I got arrested today by a police officer who was clueless about basic chemistry.
Tried to tell me that my pepper spray was a salt.
I asked the librarian if the library had books on paranoia
She whispered, “They’re right behind you.”
Two horses have been married for years.... and their relationship is getting a little stale particularly in the bedroom.
The male decides to look on the internet for ideas, and discovers lingerie for horses. He tells his wife he's going shopping, and heads into the town. After much searching he finds a few of the things he's looking for, of course it's tricky for him to carry it home, so he tucks it into his bridle.
He pops into a bar on the way home, and the bartender asks "why the thong lace?"
How many dead bodies does it take to change a lightbulb?
CLUE: It’s not 8 cos my basement is still dark.
I got a new pen! It can write underwater…
It can write other words, too.
I've never seen the movie Frozen, so I asked my 4 year old daughter to summarize it for me
She looked at me funny and said, well if I SUMMERIZE it, then it would be called MELTED!!
What does the drummer name his twin daughters?
Ana 1, Ana 2.
My grandfather invented the cold air balloon.
Unfortunately it never got off the ground
I think my wife is totally losing it. Just this past month, she bought three new SUV's that we can't afford.
She's really gone off the Jeep end.
The doorbell rang and my wife yelled, “Honey, it’s that boomerang salesman again.”
I mumbled, “I should have known he’d come back.”
Why do Nurses Carry Red Crayons?Why do nurses always carry red crayons?
Because sometimes…
(•_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
…they have to draw blood.
What do you call a Spanish guy being discharged from hospital?
Man well
What do you call a singing computer?
A Dell.
The employees at the restaurant last night were having some kind of a feud and they were trying to drag me into it.
When the server was taking my order, she told me I had to choose a side.
Coolio once shared a house with a group of lads who would just watch him throw two dice over and over...
He was living in a gang stares pair o' dice.
A sperm donor, a carpenter and Julius Caesar walked into a bar.
He came, he saw, he conquered.
My wife said “ I’m sick of you pretending to be a detective and that we should split up”.
I said that’s a great idea, we can cover more ground that way.
What do you call a floating dog?
Good buoy.
What do you call a castle of idiots?
A king-dumb
Fun fact; around 60% of people who watched The Cure live in concert...
actually watched Placebo and enjoyed it just as much.
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