My daughter’s boyfriend just Dad Joked me and I’ll be honest, I think she needs to marry him.So last night we had some storms roll through including some really wicked lightning. I still made a point to make a beer run, and when I got back I posted a video of the lightning to Facebook with a caption explaining the beer run as a context.
My daughter’s boyfriend responds with: “It must have been pretty scary if it made your beer run.”
I already knew this before she moved in with him, but I think the guy’s a winner, folks.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the Mothership
Do you know the difference between the USA and a yoghurt?
If you leave a yoghurt alone for 250 years, it develops a culture.
To anyone who lost a rubber band filled with $100 bills!
I found the rubber band.
She choked from laughing before she fired meA good one from out in the wild.
My wife and I are working on launching a fundraiser for a charity that buys local children Christmas gifts. Okay, it's mostly her working on the actual event, but I'm handling the promotion. We were sitting in the office, her making signs, and myself writing copy for a radio promo when I headed downstairs for a glass of root beer I asked her if she needed anything but she said no.
When I ascended the stairs back to the office she remembered something, "I should have asked you to bring the props for the signs."
I set down my glass, gave her two thumbs up and said, "Great job on the signs my love!"
Anyway, so now I'm downstairs checking Reddit because after laughing so hard she forgot how to breath I was temporarily fired. She can't look at me without laughing again.
My wife: "You promised to stop with the Darth Vader quotes after we got married"
Me: "I am altering the deal. Pray I don't alter it any further."
Look! There! A sea Nazi!
Adolfin!
Why arent there any horses in therapy ?
Because their home is stable
I was washing the car with my son today, when he asked me...
“Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”
Went into a cafe for lunch today and ordered the nicest sounding thing on the menu, home-cooked steak pie."Excuse me, love." I said to the waitress, after my first bite. "This is cold."
"Well of course it is." She replied. "I live miles away."
My brother in law told me he's met the person he will spend the rest of his life with..
He's got himself a new cell mate..
I finally hung a copy of the U.S. constitution on my wall.
I call it the decoration of independence.
Why can't poor people be tracked by dog?
Because they never made a scent.
Ever wonder why scuba divers fall backward out of a boat?
Because if they fell forward they would still be in it.
A horse just moved in next to me
He's my neighhhhhbor
Did you hear about the huge LEGO sale?…
…people were lined up for blocks!
My wife opened a new store, specializing in one particular size of flashlight battery. It is downtown, next door to the optometrist/eyeglass shop.
She sells c-cells by the see store
Dad: When the cows fall asleep it’s time to go to bed. Son: But why??
Dad: Because it’s pasture bedtime.
I outfitted my kitchen with all Ninja products
Now i can't find anything
I am training them right, grandson got me!My 7 year old grandson is visiting for the July 4th Holiday. Tonight he was getting ready to take a shower and he asked me, Papa is the shower well water? I said, yes it was. He looked up at me and asked, how did you capture the whales pee?!
He got me me, starting them early!!
A guy goes to prison, and on his first day he's sitting in the cafeteria, and someone yells "number 54" and the whole room erupts into laughter.The next day he's eating again, someone else yells out "number 71" and again the room fills with laughter.
He turns to the guy next to him and asks "what's the deal with the numbers?"
Guy next to him responds "well most of us have been here so long, we hear the same jokes over and over and over again. So we numbered them, to save us time."
So the new guy decides to give it a try he stands up and yells "number 25" and there is dead silence. He turns to the guy next to him and asks "what's the deal, why did no one laugh"
He responds "some guys just don't know how to tell a joke".
What's the main ingredient in zombie toast?
The unbread
Three women...decide to go on a walk. After some time of hiking they find a bench in the woods and go on to do some resting there. Suddenly a masked guy jumps out of the bushes and flashes them before he runs away.
Woman 1: "Oh god, at least I know that wasn't my husband!"
Woman 2: "I'm so relieved it wasn't a member of my church group!"
Woman 3: "As far as I know it wasn't a guy from our town."
Once I read a tale about a guy who plugged in a dodgy toaster, and all the lights went out.
All I remember is that it was a short story.
I told my son I was going to open a pawn shop.
We would only sell chess pieces.
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