While out Christmas shopping with my wife, she asked why I bought myself cut-off shorts, a fishnet crop top, and rainbow fingerless gloves.
I looked at her and sang, “Dawn… we now own gay apparel.”
I'm a woodworker and I make seven figures a year.
It's starting to look like I won't ever make any real money unless I learn to carve them faster.
I sent my son to his room when he said Jim Morrison wasn't a good musician.
We don't slam The Doors in this house.
My wife told me I should do lunges to stay in shape.
That would be a big step forward.
When the comedian fell off the building, nobody laughed...
But the sidewalk sure cracked up.
What do you call clothes made from rubber wheels?
A tire.
What kind of birds are well known for sticking together?
Vel-crows.
You guys wanna hear a Potassium joke?
K
What happens when a microscope crashes into a telescope?
They kaleidoscope.
I quit my job at the sandpaper factory.
The job really wears you down… and I just didn’t have the grit for it.
Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday
Sorry. That was a week attempt at humor.
My wife was trying on a new dress when she said, “Why do you keep staring at my boobs?”
I said, “To upload them to my mammary bank.”
Farmer did not like the joke I made about the smell when milking the cows.
I guess they are sensitive about their dairy air.
I heard that Pablo Escobar's hippopotami were able to use the toilet.
But i think this is a hippo potty myth
A man got eaten by a shark on his honeymoon
He didn't suffer long. He was only married for a week.
I ate a kid's meal at the airport today
His mom was very angry at me
Mariah Carey is opening her Xmas PresentInside she finds a deed to an undeveloped plot of land that is zoned residential.
Disappointed, she set the deed down and says.. "I don't want a lot for Christmas"
Have you ever tried sardines?
They’re a little fishy.
What do you call an unidentified gingerbread man?
JOHN DOUGH
What do the r/brucewillis and the r/taylorswift subreddits have in common?
They're both full of die-hard fans
What rhymes with orange
No, it doesn't. I lied!
Christopher Walken wanted to take his wife to a fancy restaurant. He called to see if he needed a reservation
The hostess told him all walk ins are welcomed.
What do you call polite attire?
Civil suits.
I told a joke in a video conference but no-one laughed
Guess I am not remotely funny
I told the Teacher she needs to ask me a much harder question than what are the 5th, 26th, 16th and 26th letters of the alphabet.
Because that's E Z P Z
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