My friend asked me if I wanted to hear a really good Batman impression, so I said go on then. He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” and I said, “That’s Superman…”
“Thanks, man, ” he replied, “I’ve been practicing it a lot.”
I got fired from the keyboard factory.
They told me I wasn't putting in enough shifts.
What has four big wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
What do you call bears without ears?
B
My wife is a teacher at a very small school. She only has two students in her class & both of them are going to live to be very old
Both of her pupils are going to dilate
I have a family member that always sleeps.
It's my napkin.
I was going to make a joke about supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.
But I thought the sound of it was something quite atrocious.
After I took a football to the groin, my teammate said I should become a farmer...
...Because now I have a couple of ache-ers.
What type of shoes does a serial killer wear?
White vans.
My wife texted, “Call me ASAP! It’s an emergency!!”
I’m like, “Babe, what’s so urgent about a nickname?”
Called my wife while hiking. “Um… I think I’m lost.” She goes, “Can you retrace your steps?”
I’m like, “Babe, you know I suck at drawing!”
My oldest daughter had the shortest birthday of her life yesterday.
It was her 22nd birthday.
What is the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts?
Deer nuts are under a buck.
Why did the tomato blush?
He saw the salad dressing.
Got fired from the Viagra factory after being accused of stealing.
Guess they don’t want hard workers…
I just read that crows are losing their ability to communicate.
Scientists are scrambling to find the caws.
What's a word that doesn't rhyme with itself?
Football, chocolate... I dunno, lots of things don't rhyme with "itself".
The dad who invented knock-knock jokes
can rightfully be nominated for a no-bell prize.
What do teenage rocks start putting on when they feel a little self conscious about their smell?
Geodorant
I have a friend from Prague who loves to play chess.
He's my Czech mate!
I warned my kids about using their whistle in the house.And I gave them one last chance.
Unfortunately…
They blew it.
A physicist told me photons can't have mass and I set out to prove him wrong.
Turns out I was right. Photons can totally exist in a church on Sunday.
I'm very proud of the work I did on my coffee business.
I built it from grounds up.
Police Officer: "Why are you driving around with a book in your hands?"
Driver: "It's a long story..."
Pinocchio, under the right conditions
can poke his nose into other people's business
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