So I went on a date with a matador, but it didn't work out
there were just too many red flags
A teacher asked her class to use “definitely” in a sentence.“The sky is definitely blue,” said one girl.
“Nice try! But sometimes the sky can be black or purple or even orange,” replied the teacher.
“The grass is definitely green,” said a little boy.
“Well… The grass can be brown too.” Little Johnny raised his hand. “Yes Johnny?”
“Are farts solid?” asked little Johnny.
Finding this an odd question she was slightly shocked, but answered anyway, “No Johnny.”
“Well then, I definitely pooped my pants.”
I've reduced my wine consumption to just one glass before bed
I went to bed 7 times last night
"I am" is the shortest sentence in the English language.
"I do" is the longest sentence.
A basketball rolls into a bar. The bartender says “Can I help you?”
The basketball replies “I heard ya need a bouncer.”
I flushed all of my Viagra down the drain ...
Now the city has a hard water problem...
Why do mermaids wear seashells?
Because B shells aren't big enough.
I can't believe I got fired from a dairy farm
They said I was a danger to myself and udders
Lately, my boss has been touching me inappropriately several times a day.
I want to go file a complaint but then I realize I can't because I'm self-employed
Singing in the shower is great until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it’s a Soap Opera! 
People that don’t know the difference between burrow and burro
Can’t tell their ass from a hole in the ground.
Why can't Monday lift Sunday?
Because it's a weak day
Had to change my password today- “valise” didn’t work but “Gladstone” was ok
Turns out it’s case sensitive
I ate meat today.
It was a big misteak.
What did Dr.Seuss call the book he wrote about Star Wars
The Cat in the AT-AT
In honour of my son starting 8th grade chemistryA guy calls the repair shop saying that his expensive 100% sodium-made press isn't working. It leaves his clothes rumpled and creased.
The techie comes over, has a look, thinks for a minute, then runs it over the owner's tabby. Its fur comes out shiny, luscious and perfectly straight.
The techie, in reply to the owner's agog face says, "It doesn't work on clothes because what you've got here, is a cat iron".
Doctor: Alcohol is killing you slowly.
Me: That's OK, I'm not in a hurry!
Where do rainbows go when they commit a crime?
To prism. It's a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
NSFW I was cutting my neighbours lawn when she confronted me about stealing her underwear
I nearly crapped her pants.
Why did the police suspect the string quartet?
It had a history of violins.
What do you get if you cross Bambi with a ghost?
Bamboo.
Where do ghosts and monsters go boating?
Lake Eerie.
Why are Spanish people so good at writing?
Because essays are their friends.
What do you get when you combine a uterus and an “@“ sign?
A wombat.
What would old McDonald song be if he decided to sell his farms and get into the Tech industry?
Old McDonald's has new farms... A.. I... A... I... Oh...
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