My son keeps trying to set the clocks back, but I won't let him.
Not on my watch.
Who is in favour of bringing Roman numerals back into use?
I for one.
How can you tell a chemist from a plumber?Ask them to pronounce 'unionized'.
(I love this joke, but I hate that there isn't a good way to tell it aloud.)
Did you hear about one of Temu’s major warehouses burning down?
Estimated damages totaled just under $75.
I was driving my date to her house and told her that I wasn't good with directions; she just laughed at me...
…..So I right her left there.
I don't like people that smear spicy condiments on my gloves
I mustard mitt
During a job interview"Can you perform under pressure?".
"No but I can try bohemian rhapsody".
The eraser felt that the pencil didn’t like him much, and asked why.The pencil said, “You are always correcting my words.”
The eraser said, “You have a point.”
I haven't spoken to my wife in two weeks
It seems rude to interrupt her
Whenever my kids says "I love you" I always respond with "I love you more"
because life is a competition and they need to know their father will always win.
At dinner, I asked my date to tell me a little about herself. She said, “Well, believe it or not, I’m a microbiologist.”
I looked her straight in the eye and said, “Nice try... you look like a normal-sized biologist to me.”
My wife caught me touching myself to an optical illusion.
I said "Babe, it's not what it looks like!"
What extracurricular did the vice president do in middle school?
JV Dance
Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
Because demons are a ghoul's best friend!
My girlfriend often tells me "you don't tell me how much you love me"
I don't want to upset her
The doctor asked me if this was the firstborn.
No, I'm the dad.
Brainy joke: Why is it a "school" of fish but a "bloat" of hippos?
Because a school of hippos would be a hippocampus
I know it can be a drag but I’m thinking of adding a “wing” to my car…
…Spoiler alert!
I tried using Beef as my password.
It wasn't stroganoff
I’ve written a song about a locksmith
There’s a lovely key change at the end
My dad called to tell me Mom was in the hospital. He said, “The doctor says years of yo-yo dieting finally caught up with her.”
I said, “I knew she shouldn’t have been eating all those yo-yos.”
What do you call an axolotl who tells damaging lies about you?
A slandermander.
Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn't include a driver.
Can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it...
"Knowledge is power."
Someone said that once, I don't know who.
I recently found out that I'm afraid of German sausages.
I fear the wurst.
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