My spouse asked me if I thought our kids were spoiled.
I said I think all kids smell like that.
First child eats dirt, dad calls the doctor. Second child eats dirt, dad cleans out their mouth. Third child eats dirt,
dad wonders if he still needs to make lunch.
My wife says I can be an idiot sometimes…
Pretty cool of her to give me permission like that.
Just when you thought that food couldn’t call you on the phoneBoom.
ONION RINGS
My flatmate at university would only eat food cooked by her Italian boyfriend. We used to say…
The only boy who could ever feed her, was the son of a pizza man.
I got a new calendar, but I found it was missing the 5th month.
I was totally dismayed.
My grandfather complained my generation relies too much on technology,
so I unplugged his life support.
I told my wife that I was gonna take her to the fancy new restaurant that opened up downtown tomorrow night. She's like "That sounds great! Do you have reservations?"
I said, "no, I'm actually really excited."
A cowboy walks into a saloon wearing a paper towel as a bandanna.
The barkeep says “Hey, you can’t be in here, you got a bounty on your head”
What's at the bottom of the Bermuda Triangle?
A wreck tangle.
Did you hear about the magician who was driving down the street?
He turned into a parking lot.
71% of the world is water, none of it is..
carbonated, The Earth is Flat.
I had a horrible dream that disco was making a comeback.
At first I was afraid. I was petrified.
What do Titanic and The Sixth Sense have in common?
Icy Dead People
While digging in my backyard I found some gold coins. I ran to tell my wife...
then I remembered why I was digging in the first place.
A truck carrying Vicks Vapor Rub overturned ...
The highway was congestion free for 8 hours.
This week's forecast calls for: rane, hale, gails, thundor, litening, and possible torenadoes.
It’s going to be a really bad spell of weather.
I told my boss that we need to stop hiring people under 5’ tall.
We are constantly short staffed.
Where did the nudist land when she fell off her bicycle?
On her assphalt!
What do you call a dumb person who gets an STD?
A chlamydiot!
My wife doesn't like my umbrella jokes.
I guess she just isn't a fan of dry humor.
Had a surgical procedure recently requiring anesthesia. As they applied the anesthesia, I said loudly to the room "how do you keep the surgical staff in suspense?"
Then I was knocked out
Did you hear the pop singer Rihanna got food poisoning?
She got salmonella-ella-ella.
What might you call a dumb spy?
James Blond.
I used to run a dating service for chickens
…but I was struggling to make hens meet
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