Chuck Norris just got shot
The bullet is in critical condition.
There was a time Chuck Norris hit a horse with uppercut.
That's how giraffes got created.
I told my wife I’m disappointed in how tight all her skirts and blouses are.
She said, “Then lose some weight.”
A man goes to see his Doctor…Says “Doc, I think my wife is going deaf. She can’t hear anything I’m telling her. But she’s too proud to get her hearing checked.” The doctor says, “try an at-home test. Stand a good distance away from her and ask her something. If she doesn’t answer, move a little closer and try again. See how close you need to be for her to hear you.”
So the man goes home, and when he comes through the front door he can hear his wife in their bedroom upstairs. So, from the door he says “honey, how was your day?” No answer. So, he moves to the top of the stairs and tries again. “Honey, how was your day?” No answer again. So he goes up to the open bedroom door, looks right at his wife a mere 10 feet away, and says loudly “Honey, HOW WAS YOUR DAY?”
She whips around and shouts “FOR THE THIRD F***ING TIME, IT WAS FINE! HOW WAS YOURS?!”
I don’t think we do enough to celebrate the African-American who sculpted one of the heads on Mt. Rushmore…
…George Washington Carver
I asked my wife to pass me a cookie and she answered: "I think you have a weight problem."
So I said: "I know. I still wait for that cookie."
I hired a painter to do a family portrait, but he keeps drawing us as Star Trek villains.
Turns out he’s a Khan artist.
My boss fired me for making too many Asian jokes.
It ended my Korea.
I told a joke to a Hawaiian, to try and make him laugh, but I don't think he liked it.
He just let out a low "ha."
What’s Santa’s favorite metal band?
Sleigh-er.
A woman hurried to a pharmacy to pick up medication for her sick husband. When she got back to the car, she found she’d locked her keys inside.The woman found an old rusty coat hanger on the ground. She looked at it and said, "I don't know how to use this."
She bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within five minutes an old motorcycle pulled up, driven by a bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag. He got off his bike and asked if he could help.
She said, "Yes, my husband is sick and was in such a rush I forgot my keys in the car. Can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"
He said, "Sure." He walked over to the car and in less than a minute the car was open.
She hugged the man and through tears said, "Thank you, God, for sending me such a very nice man."
The man heard her little prayer and replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison yesterday. I was in for car theft."
The woman hugged the man again, sobbing, "Oh, thank you, God! You even sent a professional!”
Two fish in a tank
One says: ‘How do you drive this thing'
I accidentally erased my wife’s audiobook.
Now I’ll never hear the end of it!
What kind of music do the sons of Metallica, Slipknot and KISS members make?
Heir Metal
I have mixed opiniongs about asia.
South Korea is lively but I feel like the rest of asia is seoulless.
What is faster than an escalater?...
An escanow!
Did you hear about the magic tractor?
It turned in to a field
Two guys came to put some curtains up for me.
Curt n’ Rod
What did the ghost put on its bagel?
Scream Cheese
My dog always knows exactly what time it is.
He's a watch dog.
If anyone gets a DM from me about canned meat, don't open it!
It's spam
Have you ever heard of Cole's law?
It states that for every shredded cabbage, there is an equal and opposite dollop of mayonnaise
I caught my son outside eating electric cables.
I had to ground him. Currently his attitude isn’t at all positive.
I went to a restaurant that fuses Chinese and middle eastern cuisine.
It’s called “Wok like an Egyptian”.
Where do rainbows go when they're bad?To prism.
It's a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
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