My girlfriend borrowed $100 from me. After 3years, when we separated, she returned exactly $100.
I lost Interest in that relationship.
What's the female equivalent of tea bagging?
A flappuccino.
The other day I found out my toaster wasn't water proof.
I was shocked!
Doctor: (handing me my new born baby) I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it
Me: (handing baby back to him) Bring me the one my wife made
It’d be a big mistake to start flirting with nuns.
Trust me, you don’t wanna get into that habit.
I just read through 6 pages of the dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
I walked in on my girlfriend having sex with her personal trainer.
Me :: "Ok, this isn't working out."
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him...🕷️
....Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy. He's a web designer. 🕸️
My son asked if trees poop?
I said “of course, how do you think we get number two pencils?”
The other day I was diagnosed with anxiety and constipation
Now I'm worried shitless.
Why don't aliens come visit us?
Because we only have one star.
I gorged on 14 cans of alphabet soup a few days agoEnded up having a crippling vowel movement.
Then, was constipated with the consonants.
At the doctor's office. No word yet.
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because seven was a known six offender.
I wrote a poem about the bottom of the ocean
It’s pretty deep.
Why do Sith Lords’ phones have good batteries?
They have unlimited power
What's a cow's favourite night-time activity?
Stargrazing
I've been thinking about getting back with my ex-wife
But I'm worried she might think that I'm just after my money
It’s such a bummer that Islam, Christianity, and Judaism have all been fighting with each other for centuries.
Hinduism on the other hand, they never had any beef!
What medicine do androids take when they are sick?
Robo-tussin
What do you call somebody who routinely uses just 1% of their brain?
A centimental fool
Even though it’s a lucrative profession, don’t force your child to become a chopper pilot.
You don’t wanna be a helicopter parent.
I know a lot of jokes about retired people
But none of them work
You got hit by a rental car?
Yeah, it Hertz.
What cheese is made backwards?
Edam
The Beach Boys walk into a bar.
"Round?" "Round....." "Get a round?" "I'll get a round...."
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