I don't understand why women carry a baby for nine months.
It would make more sense if it was gestate.
My son asked me, “Dad, today I watched someone do 50 pushups. Do you think you could do that?”
I said, “Of course, son. I don’t want to brag, but I could probably watch someone do 100 pushups.”
What's a pirate's favorite Nirvana song?
Come as you ARRRRrrrggghhh!
My boss wants me to sign up for a 401K.
No way I'm running that far.
Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson are merging.
The new company is called Titty Titty Bang Bang.
My wife asked if I could explain what a double entendre is.
I said "i'll fill you in."
My favorite winter coat is falling apart and I'm going to have to throw it out.
Or sew its seams.
I hired a kid to paint my porch, when he came back to my front door hours later to get paid…
He informed me it was a BMW, not a Porsche.
Bob and Sue were strolling down the street when they bumped into a priest.The priest smiled and said, “Ah! Didn’t I marry you two last year?”
Bob nodded. “Yes, Father, you did.”
“And tell me,” the priest asked, “any little ones yet?”
Sue sighed, “Not yet, unfortunately.”
With a warm grin, the priest said, “Well, I’m on my way to Rome. I’ll light a candle for you—may it bless you with children.” Then he waved goodbye and continued on his way.
Years later, Sue ran into the same priest again.
He asked eagerly, “So, did the candle work? Any children?”
Sue laughed, “Oh, yes! Two sets of twins and six more after that—ten kids altogether!”
The priest’s eyes widened. “Ten! That’s incredible! But… where’s Bob?”
Sue leaned in and winked. “He went to Rome… to blow out your candle.”
Judge: "It's the tenth time now, you're stealing the same board game from the same toy shop. Why are you doing this?"
Defendant: "I guess I just love taking Risks?"
A guy walks into my auto shop and says, “Can you change a tire? I’ve got a massive flat.”
I said, “Sorry Sir… these are the only clothes I brought with me, but I’d still love to see your spacious apartment.”
Why did the cranberries turn red?
Because they saw the turkey dressing
What do you call it when a McDonald’s employee has to work two shifts in a row?
A McDouble.
It turns out Mrs. Claus is a trendy Gen Z twenty-something
Sleigh queen
I got a new oven for my wife
Seemed like a good trade at the time.
What group would a racist Mexican join?
The quéquéqué
I was upset that my wife ate the last piece of pumpkin pie.
But I’m just going to let pie-gones be pie-gones.
What does a pig use to get clear skin?
Oinkment
My girlfriend said our spark was gone...So I bought her an e-reader.
Thankfully, our romance has been re-Kindled!
(i hope this is right im writing in a delirious haze of sleepyness)
What do you call a truck with a backfiring engine?
A hiccup truck.
A woman walked into a clinic an announced to the receptionist that she wanted a facelift and a tummy tuck. The receptionist looked at a gigantic fish mounted on the wall behind her and said……….
I’m sorry for the mixup…. But this is a plastic STURGEON’S clinic.
"Get a prenup before it's too late!"..
This sums up the collective wisdom of our four fathers.
37. The invisible man married an invisible woman.
Their kids were nothing to look at either.
What do you get when you crossbreed a cow and an octopus?
A stern rebuke from your university's ethics board and an immediate cessation of funding.
What do you say to a woman with a small but growing baby bump?
“It’s becoming apparent that you’re becoming a parent”
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