Donald Trump is chatting with King Charles III. He says “Listening to all these people talk about your United Kingdom, I think I will rename the USA to ‘The Kingdom of America’.”King Charles says, “Ah, but President Trump, to be a Kingdom you need to be led by a King. And you are not a King.”
Trump says, “You’re right Chuck, lots of people don’t know that, but I’ve always liked you. So how about the Principality of America?”
“No again Mr President, I’m afraid. To be a Principality you would need to be led by a Prince. And you are not a Prince.”
“This is a pickle then Chas, no doubt. I’m not a King and I’m not a Prince. What do you think I should do?”
“I think you should remain a country.”
I called my wife and asked her bra size. She said, “…um, why?”
I said, “No, they can’t be that big.”
As I was tucking my daughter into bed last night, she proudly proclaimed "Tomorrow, I'm gonna dress like a star!" If I'm being honest, I thought she was just joking around.
It turns out she was Sirius.
I knew a guy in high school who knew what every single symbol on every single world map meant by heart and and could tell you immediately on request...
Guy was a legend.
A square, a triangle and a rectangle walk into a bar...
Bartender says "looks like you guys could use a round!"
I asked my local rancher how many cattle he had, it took him over a week to answer accurately…
…I guess it’s a pretty complicated cowculation.
My wife asked me how I can go for hours trying to think up the perfect pun to respond to some idle question she asked me. Well today I finally got the answer-
Dadication.
Where do basketball players go when they need a uniform?
New Jersey 🏀
Why do mice have small balls?
‘Cause only 6% know how to dance.
Why was Cinderella so bad at soccer?
She kept running away from the ball!
I am pregnant
You are kidding me
I lost my company the other day. I asked the judge why???
He said "it's none of your business". 😭
Why can’t we ever trust an egg with a secret?
They always crack under pressure!
Why does Waldo wear a striped shirt
Well he sure doesn't want to be spotted
A chicken, a horse, a cricket, a beetle and a calf walk into a bar
The bartender says: man, we really gotta fix that door
Me: My lawnmower won't start
Veteranarian: Sir, your goat is dead
How do you know if a Scrabble rack is staring at you?
It has two I's on it.
How much of a difference is there between a man with a vasectomy and a man without?
A 'vas deferens'
Did you know that Himalayan Pink Salt is 10 Million years old?
Well I’m pleased they found it in time, because apparently it expires next year.
I have two cars. One that is voice activated…
And one that goes without saying.
A painter walks into a bar with a quart of paint.
Goes up to the bartender and says "How 'bout a pint on the house?"
A dung beetle walked into a bar...
Pulled up a stool and walked back out.
I have just written the longest joke ever
The longest joke ever
A group of people walk into a restaurant.An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a German, an American, a Spaniard, a Canadian, an Aussie, a Greek, and a Swede walk into a fancy restaurant.
The maître d’ stops them and says, “Sorry, you can’t come in without a Thai.”
My son came in feeling bad because some kids were teasing the new Arabic kid and he didn’t stand up for him. He said, “Dad, I feel awful.”
Kneeling down, I put my hand on his shoulder and said, “Son, you need to be kind to Yousef.”
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