A man walks into a bar. He’s got syphilis, typhoid, cholera, rickets, scurvy, bubonic plague, gout, shingles, pink eye, ringworm, mono, hepatitis A through C, whooping cough, measles, mumps, dengue fever, trench foot, strep throat, mumps, measles, Lyme disease, and hand-foot-and-mouth disease.
Bartender says, "What is this...some kind of sick joke?"
To each their ownLady: do you drink beer?
Me: yes.
Lady: how many per day? Me: 3.
Lady: how much do you pay per beer?
Me: $5 each including tip.
Lady: how long have you been drinking?
Me: about 20 years.
Lady: 3 beers a day equates to $450 per month or $5,400 per year. In 20 years, that's $108,000.
Me: sounds correct.
Lady: did you know that if you put that money into a savings account, that after interest, you would have had enough money to buy a plane?
Me: do you drink beer?
Lady: no.
Me: where's your fucking plane?
Two drunk guys were fighting. One of them drew a line in the dirt, and said if the other crossed it they would punch them in the face...
That was the punchline.
The older I get, the more I think about the hereafter
I go to the basement and say to myself "What am I here after?"
I broke up with a girl once because she wouldn’t stop counting.
I wonder what she’s up to now.
Why do vampires have low fertility rates?
Because they can't come inside unless invited.
Last night a famous conductor was attacked by a flautist, a clarinetist and a trombonist.
It was an orchestrated attack
I had to give up my vegetarian diet.
Turns out they’re a lot harder to catch than cows.
Did you hear about the scientist who successfully made an exact copy of himself?Unfortunately it was very foul-mouthed and crude, and the scientist grew tired of it, and finally got rid of it by pushing it off a cliff.
He was later arrested for making an obscene clone fall.
What do you call a song about female pirates?
A “she” shanty!
My boss told me to have a good day
So I went home
Dad why do they call it USB?
“Because USA was already taken”
NSFW from the MrsMy girl had to get her mammogram today, I texted to see how it went, no like, she texted back:
"No abnormalititties detected!"
My Buddy lost 50 lbs in just a couple of monthsHe told me that he substituted two meals a day with a handful of almonds, pecans and filberts.
I said, "that's just nuts!"
I got arrested today by a police officer who was clueless about basic chemistry.
Tried to tell me that my pepper spray was a salt.
A guy told his psychiatrist that he felt like there was a horse living inside him
But he seemed stable
My new car has a button for just about everything.It even has one that says "rear wiper"
Still too afraid to try that one.
There was a break-in at the wig factory.
Police are combing the area.
How many patients does a colorectal surgeon see in a day?
A butt ton.
What do you give the cannibal who’s late to dinner?
The cold shoulder.
The phone rings and is answered by a man
The caller asks to speak to Mrs Smith The man replied "my wife has just gone into labor " The caller asks "Is this her first child?" The man says "No, it's her husband "
My boss said "dress for the job you want, not the job you have"
I went in as Batman
Ricardo Montalbán had trouble finding work after Star Trek.
No one wants to hire an ex-Kahn.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect
and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Who's the stiffest Hollywood actor?
Mathew Mahogany
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