I told my son, "Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field."He said, "What's that got to do with anything?"
I said "That means its pasture bedtime."
At dinner, my date leaned in and whispered, “So… are you more of a breast guy, or a thigh guy?”
I’m like, “Neither. Chicken fingers all the way.”
A man went to the ER with 24 toy horses up his bum
Doctors listed his condition as "Stable"
What do you call a woman who won't stop singing Christmas songs?
Carolyn
Why is prohibited to do the reverse cowgirl position in Alabama?
You can't turn your back on family!
What do you call karate for amputees?
Partial arts!
It's awkward touching hands with a woman in a popcorn bag.
Especially when you don't know her and she doesn't know you're eating her popcorn.
My job in Zimbabwe is applying a spray to soften the leather straps attached to a horses bit…
I mist the reins down in Africa
Two men robbing a liquor store. One asks "is this whisky?"
The other replied "not as whisky as wobbing a bank!"
If a king sleeps on a king-sized bed and a queen sleeps on a queen-sized bed, where does a prince sleep?
On an heir mattress.
I named my phone titanic
Now when I use Bluetooth it says titanic is syncing
This is my favourite poem of all time: I dug, you dug, she dug, he dug, we dig.
it may not mean anything, but it's deep
I'm a woodworker and I make seven figures a year.
It's starting to look like I won't ever make any real money unless I learn to carve them faster.
While out Christmas shopping with my wife, she asked why I bought myself cut-off shorts, a fishnet crop top, and rainbow fingerless gloves.
I looked at her and sang, “Dawn… we now own gay apparel.”
What do you call a girl kneeling in the middle of a tennis court?
Courtknee.
My wife told me I should do lunges to stay in shape.
That would be a big step forward.
You guys wanna hear a Potassium joke?
K
My wife told me to stop wearing full camouflage when we’re out together
I don’t know why, it’s not like anyone will notice
I sent my son to his room when he said Jim Morrison wasn't a good musician.
We don't slam The Doors in this house.
Man fell 9 stories from a Nightclub
Police confirmed he was not a Bouncer
I quit my job at the sandpaper factory.
The job really wears you down… and I just didn’t have the grit for it.
If I bought a plot of land in Boston..
Would it be a Mass-acre?
What do you call clothes made from rubber wheels?
A tire.
When the comedian fell off the building, nobody laughed...
But the sidewalk sure cracked up.
My wife says I have only two flaws
I forgot one… and the other was something about not listening.
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