My wife just completed a 40 week body building programme this morning.It’s a baby girl weighing 7lb 6ounce.
I’m now a dad!!!!
Actually, it's pronounced "jaslight".
You've been saying it wrong the whole time.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise.
He removed the Mariah Carey Christmas CD, and now it’s fine.
What do you call a typo on a tombstone?
A grave mistake.
It's tough being married to a trigonometry professor
They tend to go off on tangents .
I just finished writing a book on penguins.
It probably would've been easier to write it on paper.
What's the most stupid animal in the jungle..
A polar bear
Star Wars Joke: What’s the internal temperature of a taun-taun?Lukewarm.
My 13 year old son just got out of bed to tell me that he came up with this joke on his own (while reading the Star Wars Encyclopedia. My work as a father is done.)
If a king sleeps on a king-sized bed and a queen sleeps on a queen-sized bed, where does a prince sleep?
On an heir mattress.
My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are...
But I laugh more
I took my date to a Middle Eastern restaurant, but she hated it.
I falafel about it.
What do clouds wear under their shorts
Thunder pants
Don’t challenge Death to a pillow fight.
Unless you’re prepared for the reaper cushions.
My math teacher is a bad Christian.
He is a siner.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1 Anna2
I was at a grocery store, approach a middle aged man and said "How old are your kids?"
so he looked confused and said "How do you even know I'm a dad?" so I said "Oh it's really a parent"
Mouse 1: Hey, stop sweating over that cat. Just spray a little bit of this underneath your arms - he won't come near you. Mouse 2: Really? What is it?
Antipurrrrrspirant 😉🐭
My friend said his dental appointment wasn't until two thirty
So I punched him in the mouth.
Nothing is worse than a dad joke
Because nothing is really really boring imo
To help improve my productivity, I’m learning to sleep like a flamingo.
Then I’ll have a leg up on the competition.
Satan arrived to welcome a new damned soul to hell. "Congratulations!" he said. “You wasted your entire pitiful life!"
"Well," the man replied, "at least I'm not a adult living in my father's basement."
My wife wanted to watch a movie about the life of William Shakespeare.
I asked her, "Tubi, or not Tubi?"
Unarmed Combat
My wife has a Black Belt in Cooking, One Chop and you’re Dead
They told me there was only one way to stock a candy aisle
But I had a few Twix up my sleeve.
My friend Jay had triplet daughters, and named them after him.
Their names are Kay, Elle, and Em.
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