According to my son, it’s not possible for two lines to cross. Honestly, I have no idea how he could think that.
He must be living in some kind of parallel universe.
Winning the battle
My (55) daughter (22) and I regularly spar with word play and dad jokes. Today I was ridiculing her as I often do for the excessive amount of lidded cups she uses for iced tea/coffee. They filled half the sink and she finally went to tackle it, including the plethora of lids and straws. As she was completing her task, she held a bundle of straws she was drying. She looked at me and said she tried, but couldn’t come up with a straw pun. Without missing a beat, I pointed at the final sipper she was toweling off and said, “Well that’s the last straw.” She hung her head and sighed, knowing on this day, she’d been utterly defeated.
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, "What's with the paper towel?"
The pirate says, "Arrr! I've got a Bounty on me head!"
What do you get when you toss a grenade into a French bathroom?
Linoleum Blown-apart.
Butt DeodorantA man needs help while shopping. He asks the clerk, "Where's the butt deodorant?"
The clerk says, "I've never heard of that".
The man says, "It says right on the container, 'Push Up Bottom'".
When i went out of town recently, i paid extra for a larger, nicer room at the hotel. When I entered the room, there were yams everywhere. I went down to the front to ask why there were yams in my room, and the girl at the front desk said “Those aren’t yams…
…they’re suite potatoes!”
My password got hacked again
Tired of having to find a new wife with a different birthday!
What did the pirate say when he was kicked in the crotch at a Midwestern appliance store?
Ah, Me 'Nards!
When you cut off your left arm, ...
... your right arm is left.
I had an apple and an orange for breakfast this morning.
The apple was way better. No comparison.
The first thing a man looks at in a woman is her heart
The fact that her boobs block the view is not our fault
My work friend was telling me that he is smoking a turkey for Thanksgiving
I told him things will probably work out better if he just eats it.
A wizard asked me to proof read one of his scrolls
Actually it was more of a spell check!
Matt Damon knows all there is to know about Glinda and Elphaba
He's wicked smaht
Did you hear about the Soup Kitchen run by conservatives?
They told everybody who came to help themselves
I filed a patent for a 2-player game where robots fight each other.But the guy at the patent office said it was too similar to Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots.
I shouted, “You blocked my knockoff!”
Just saw Wicked: For Good and I’m genuinely confused…
Why did they skip Wicked: Too Good and Three Good??
Pilgrims traveled on the Mayflower. What do college students travel on?
Scholar ships
Do you know which is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign language.
My wife complains I don't buy her flowers
But to be honest, I never knew she sold flowers
Some people didn't like Michelle Yeoh in Wicked,
but I thought she totally brought down the house.
Why did the turkey join the band?
Because he had drum sticks!
I asked my pastor if Free Will was responsible for all the evil in the world. He said yes.
I said well, if he's such a dangerous man why doesn't someone lock him up??
I watched a documentary on anti-matter.
It really lacked substance.
Man walks into a bar with a fried egg on his headBarman : Why’ve you a fried egg sitting on top of your head?
Man: The boiled ones keep rolling off.
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