I sent my son to his room when he said Jim Morrison wasn't a good musician.
We don't slam The Doors in this house.
While out Christmas shopping with my wife, she asked why I bought myself cut-off shorts, a fishnet crop top, and rainbow fingerless gloves.
I looked at her and sang, “Dawn… we now own gay apparel.”
I'm a woodworker and I make seven figures a year.
It's starting to look like I won't ever make any real money unless I learn to carve them faster.
What happens when a microscope crashes into a telescope?
They kaleidoscope.
My wife was trying on a new dress when she said, “Why do you keep staring at my boobs?”
I said, “To upload them to my mammary bank.”
I heard that Pablo Escobar's hippopotami were able to use the toilet.
But i think this is a hippo potty myth
A man got eaten by a shark on his honeymoon
He didn't suffer long. He was only married for a week.
Mariah Carey is opening her Xmas PresentInside she finds a deed to an undeveloped plot of land that is zoned residential.
Disappointed, she set the deed down and says.. "I don't want a lot for Christmas"
When the comedian fell off the building, nobody laughed...
But the sidewalk sure cracked up.
I ate a kid's meal at the airport today
His mom was very angry at me
What do you call an unidentified gingerbread man?
JOHN DOUGH
Christopher Walken wanted to take his wife to a fancy restaurant. He called to see if he needed a reservation
The hostess told him all walk ins are welcomed.
I told a joke in a video conference but no-one laughed
Guess I am not remotely funny
What do the r/brucewillis and the r/taylorswift subreddits have in common?
They're both full of die-hard fans
Farmer did not like the joke I made about the smell when milking the cows.
I guess they are sensitive about their dairy air.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman
Wholesome is a weird word
Which one is it!?
Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water?
Because if they fell forwards they'd land in the boat
I told the Teacher she needs to ask me a much harder question than what are the 5th, 26th, 16th and 26th letters of the alphabet.
Because that's E Z P Z
Ever wonder what kind of doctor Dr. Pepper was?
A fizzician!
What do you call polite attire?
Civil suits.
"Come to me" CandleI was in bed bath and beyond with the missus getting asked if I like the smell of "leather bound book" or "apple fall". I wasn't the only male being dragged through this torment. When one of the guys with his wife pulls out this absolute gem.
He picks up a candle and says to his wife, "look Hun this one is called come to me". He gives it a big sniff and holds it towards her for her to smell and says "does it smell like come to you?"
Whenever I lose something I ask my Indian neighbours to help.
After all, Sikh and you shall find.
My friend asked if I had a little time.
So I checked my microscopic clock and said "about 2:30”.
My algorithm gives me a lot of drug commercials & ads
This is my cure rated content
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