Confucius says
Man who walks sideways through a turnstile in Thailand going to Bangkok.
I said to my son, "I need a battery so I can tell the time." He asked, "Is it for a clock?" I answered...
"I don't know! That's why I need the battery!"
I have a couple of dad jokes for you. (Set up)A- Why did the chicken cross the road?
B- idk why?
A- To get to the idiots house.
Let it sit. they are confused.
A- Knock knock.
B- Who's there?
A- The chicken.
What gets longer when pulled, works best when jerked and inserts into a slot?
A seatbelt.
If a letter is mail, what's a bill?
Fee mail
What do you call a sad strawberry?
A blueberry
What rock group has four guys that don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore. . .
What kind of music does a chiropractor listen to?
Hip-Pop
What cheeses sound like the wind?
Bries.
Did you hear about the couple who split up after the race?
At least they had a good run.
You know why janitors make the best criminals?
Cause they always make a clean getaway.
I don't like people who take drugs...
For example, airport security.
My wife caught me riding a dolphin. I said it was accidental…
…but she swears it was on porpoise.
What do you call a fast food joint on a wooden ship?
Fleetwood Mac
My wife said, "I can think of 14 reasons to leave you, plus your obsession with Tennis.
I replied, "That's 15 love."
When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking.
And then I saw her face …
I used to be a phone for Saudi Royalty
I got charged with a sultan battery
I studied dad jokes in college
I majored in sighcology
I'm starting a vibrator repair service.
I'm calling it "Inspect Her Gadget."
Why did the roof go to the doctor?
It has shingles
An old hillbilly woke up after dying- back in Appalachia
Re-intarnation!
Why didn't Noah fish when he was on the Ark?
Because he only had two worms
Why did the king go to the dentist
To work on his crown
Ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking
AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTINGGGGG
I cut down a rubber tree over an hour ago
I'm still waiting for it to bounce back
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