My wife texted, “Call me ASAP! It’s an emergency!!”
I’m like, “Babe, what’s so urgent about a nickname?”
What do teenage rocks start putting on when they feel a little self conscious about their smell?
Geodorant
Actually, it's pronounced "jaslight".
You've been saying it wrong the whole time.
I had a date last night, it was perfect
Tomorrow I'll try a grape.
My ethics teacher claimed I was failing her class.
So I slid her a £20 note under the table and said, "What about now?"
When I was in elementary school, my teachers’ names all coincidentally started with the same letter.Ms. Anderson
Mr. Stevens
Mrs. Platt
Mr. Blake
Ms. Robles
Mrs. Wilson
I entered a pun competition. I entered around 10 puns thinking one of them is bound to win...
... But no pun in ten did
My wife just completed a 40 week body building programme this morning.It’s a baby girl weighing 7lb 6ounce.
I’m now a dad!!!!
Poop jokes aren't my favorite...
But they're a solid #2
What do you call a typo on a tombstone?
A grave mistake.
Did you hear Kanye West has almost completely abandoned religion?
Oh Ye of little faith...
I jumped off the Eiffel Tower so they renamed it after me. Now it’s called …
The “I Fell Tower”.
Why are music videos with Bill Clinton’s VP so popular on YT?
It’s because of the Al Gore rhythm
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise.
He removed the Mariah Carey Christmas CD, and now it’s fine.
I got lost while hiking once.
After several nervous hours trying to retrace my steps and establish where I was, eventually a park ranger found me. I told him I'd been following my compass, but I'd still got lost. When I showed him my compass, he saw it was made by Tait & Co. He told me they were a notoriously unreliable brand. "He who has a Tait's is lost!"
What happens when a frogs car breaks down
It gets toad
Apparently with the rise of A.l., people don’t need computer screens anymore.
I’m closely monitoring the situation.
Why can’t you buy things using fried chicken?
Because it’s not legal tender
Mouse 1: Hey, stop sweating over that cat. Just spray a little bit of this underneath your arms - he won't come near you. Mouse 2: Really? What is it?
Antipurrrrrspirant 😉🐭
If you claim to have eaten a bologna sandwich but didn't,
you're still full of bologna
What did Mario say when he broke up with Princess Peach?
It's not you, itsa me
I need to provide CPR to a clown at the circus the other day.
I just inquired on his status and was told that his condition was dire and that he is on laugh suoport.
I made a Vietnamese chicken soup for my wife but used a celery based French chicken stock
She did like it when I said we were having ‘Faux Pho’ for dinner
My friend decided to break up with his cross-eyed girlfriend.
Apparently, she was seeing someone else.
My local movie theater is cracking down on people sneaking in outside candy and snacks.
But it's ok, I have a few Twix up my sleeve.
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