I recently found out that dad jokes have to use the letter “D”.
Otherwise, it’s just a joke.
BREAKING: Russia has struck its own submarine with an underwater torpedo in the Atlantic Ocean, killing all 350 aboard
Whoops, wrong Sub!
Me and my buddies started a rock band, and we’re gonna call ourselves “The National Debt.”
We’re gonna be HUGE!
Do you know why people say "hold your horses"?
It's because they want you to be stable.
Me and my all male buddies just formed a band that only plays hits from female singers.
We're called "Thats What She Said."
My wife asked if I ever think back to the one place we used to park and make out.
I said, “Of course, but it’s a lot to ponder.”
If having sex for money makes you a whore...
Then does having sex for free make you a non-profit whoreganisation?!
My greatest contribution to humor was when I got a lizard to stand up on its hind legs.
It was the world's first stand up chameleon.
I tried the best I could to convince the female Ski Instructor I was dating to keep our relationship intact
But the conversation snowballed far too quickly.
What do you do, if a friend of doesn't love fruit puns?
You let the mango.
I like to talk to oranges
They’re pretty well rounded
Why can William Shakespeare never get into the club?
He’s Bard
Someone told me her biological father was a sword enthusiast
I suppose he’s had seax
My ears aren’t ringing right now, but I know they will be at bedtime.
I have tonightus.
What's a marsupial's favorite drink?
Coca-Koala!
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 is a really scary movie starring Morgan Freeman and Brad Pitt
My grandma’s band just won Best Music Group ....
They won the Grannys!
How do you spot Cruella de Vil at a science convention?
She's the one in the Lab coat.
When ever I talk to Spanish people I like to use the word mucho.
It means a lot to them.
I received a blank text from my wife today. When I got home I asked, "why did you send me a blank text?" She replied...
"Because I'm not talking to you."
Did you hear about the government that got overthrown twice?
It was coupcoup.
Why is it cheaper to throw a party in a haunted house?
Because the ghosts will bring the boos.
I have a pen that can write underwaterWow, really?!
Yeah, it can write other words too, though
To be frank..
I'd have to have a different name.
I saw an elderly man at the supermarket collecting trolleys.
He must have been pushing 70.
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