I was doing well while taking and engineering exam until I reached a question about tensile strength about a bridge. The multiple choice answers did not match my answer and I wrote on the answer sheet that I could not calculate because the span of the bridge was not included.After the test, I told the professor that I did not see the span in the description of the question and I needed that to get the right answer.
He responded, "Noooooo one expects the span is in the question!"
What do you call a man in the water with no arms and no legs?
Bob.
It's ridiculous that men wear jackets to formal occasions while women can go sleeveless
I thought the constitution gave men the right to bare arms.
My brother just quit his job as lawyer to become a dog breeder...
He prefers boxers over briefs.
My wife asked me if I had any Q tips….
I told her I usually make the O first then put the line on it diagonally
What generation was Forrest Gump?
Gen-A
John was unable to choose between two girls...So he asked his friend Gary for help deciding which girl to be with.
John: I'm devoted to Kate but Edith is my dream girl, she's all I've ever wanted.
Gary: Then you should be with Edith.
John: But I love Kate and could never leave her...
Gary: Then you should stay with Kate.
John: But I also want to be with Edith, I can't miss this opportunity!
Gary: You can't have your Kate and Edith too.
Humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
Think about it …when is the last time you ate a monkey
Where do pirates keep their spare change?
In a jARRRR
Dad jokes can be NSFW. And i'm gonna say why.
Why
What is it called when you forget to put the pizza sauce on a pizza ?
A Marin-error.
Police work
What’s the name of the lady who does the chalk outlines at crime scenes ?
Tracy.
I went to the pet shop and said that I wanted a pet fishThe guy said 'Do you want an aquarium?'
I said 'I don't care what star sign it is!'
(Tim Vine)
I’m singing because I got a great deal on 8 loaves of Afghan flatbread and 2 bales of fall seasonal decore
Naan, naan, naan, naan … naan, naan, naan, naan … hay, hay … good buy!
Why did the orange stop in the middle of the road?
It ran out of juice.
Old McDonald had a calculator
01313
Did you know if you go to bed in full armor…
It’s the best way to get a full knight’s sleep
I hate my job. All I do is crush cans all day.
It's soda pressing.
You have 2 wolves inside you
Mozart had 7 or 8 wolves inside him. That's why they called him Wolfgang.
I went to my professors funeral, stood next to the casket and said:
"So, who's thinking outside of the box now, Professor Miller?"
My son came up to me at the beach, upset. He said his sister was teasing him because she had five buckets and he only had two.
I knelt down and said, “The amount she brought doesn’t matter, son. It’s pails in comparison.”
I really wanted a new pullover sweater for my birthday
But all I got was a card again.
Why do bugs have odd religious beliefs?
They are in-sects.
My son asked for help with his geometry homework.I told him I'd only work with him on triangles and rectangles.
Circles are pointless.
Instead of putting their hand on the Bible, French politicians hold an egg when they’re sworn in.
It’s their oeuf of office.
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