What do you call a parrot that can’t fly?
A walkie talkie.
A famous chocolatier developed a new product line with 50% less moisture
Dryer Lindt
I got arrested for buying stock in Morton and Duracell.
They said it’s a salt and battery.
My girlfriend is leaving me after I stood on her glasses and broke them.
She said, " I can't see you anymore."
Big news!
Corduroy pillows are making headlines!
Why don't the other 25 letters like the letter D?
He's a weirdo.
My kid took the drill thinking it would be a fun toy.
He eventually got bored with it.
Tom SwiftiesI remember seeing these in my Cub Scout magazines. They will forever be my favorite pun type jokes.
"I have a split personality," said Tom, being frank.
"I can't find the oranges," said Tom, fruitlessly.
"I dropped the toothpaste," said Tom, crestfallen.
"I'm not gay," said Tom, half in earnest.
Do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge my phone in my honda?Best Buy employee: A cord?
Me: No it's a Civic.
I had the snip because I didn't want anymore children...
But when I got home they were still there.
WANTED: Someone to brush their teeth with me.
because 9 out of 10 dentists say brushing alone will not prevent cavities.
Why is the letter E the only letter to receive gifts from Santa?
The other letters are not e.
Went for dinner on the USS Alabama last night.
The food was Sub-standard
There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
I told my cat I was going to teach him how to speak English
He looked at me and said, “me? How.”
Divorce lawyerThere was a faint knock on a lawyer’s office door. “Come in!" he cried. He heard feeble fumbling with the doorknob so he went to the door and opened it to a very, very elderly couple.
He immediately put two chairs in front of his desk, then went back to the door to help the couple hobble over to the chairs and helped them sit down.
That done, he returned to his own seat behind the desk and said, "Good afternoon! How can I help you?"
The old man croaked, “My wife and I would like a divorce."
The lawyer was a bit taken aback but replied, "Yes, we handle divorces here. It's one of our services, and we can do this. From the look of things it appears you want to arrange something amicable. Well, that's great, and I can help you with that."
The elderly couple appeared pleased.
Then the lawyer said, "I hope you won't mind my getting personal right out of the gate here, but I have to ask – how old are you?"
The man said, "I'm 96 and my wife is 91."
The lawyer hesitated for a couple of seconds and said, "I hope you won't mind my bringing this up, but I have to say, I've never seen... I mean, it's most unusual that..." and finally he blurted out, “Why did you wait so long?"
The old woman looked up at him and answered, “We thought it would be best to wait 'til all the children died.”
Why did the man name his dogs timex and rolex
They were watch dogs
How does the moon cut its hair?
Eclipse it
I couldn’t find anyone to listen to Whitesnake with me
So here I go again on my own
What happened to the chicken that didn't make it across the road?
It became a poultrygeist
A disgruntled wife approaches her programmer husband.‘You know, sometimes I think you like programming more than you like me’, She says to him.
‘My darling’, he says in response. ‘In my array of interests, you are number [1]’.
I tried to make a belt out of watches…
but it turned out to be a waist of time.
You can tell the sex of an ant by dropping it into a jug of water.
If it sinks: girl ant. If it floats: boy ant.
If Darth Vader always wears a mask, how does he eat?
He is force fed.
This coffee shop got my order wrong! They gave me the wrong creamer, the wrong flavor, the wrong size...
They even got my name wrong!
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