On the first day of my flying lessons, I looked down nervously and asked my instructor, “What are all these buttons for?”
He said, “Those are to keep your shirt closed.”
I don't understand why women carry a baby for nine months.
It would make more sense if it was gestate.
Given their anatomy, some people wonder how mermaids can give birth.
They usually have a sea section.
My son asked me, “Dad, today I watched someone do 50 pushups. Do you think you could do that?”
I said, “Of course, son. I don’t want to brag, but I could probably watch someone do 100 pushups.”
Jet Skis are poorly named.
Obviously it's a boatorcycle.
What's a pirate's favorite Nirvana song?
Come as you ARRRRrrrggghhh!
Why can't my young son tell a dad joke?
He's not fully groan.
My favorite winter coat is falling apart and I'm going to have to throw it out.
Or sew its seams.
Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson are merging.
The new company is called Titty Titty Bang Bang.
My boss wants me to sign up for a 401K.
No way I'm running that far.
My dad told me to find myself a good feller…
So I married an arborist.
What do you call a cat making a pot of coffee?
A Purr-colator.
My wife asked if I could explain what a double entendre is.
I said "i'll fill you in."
I hired a kid to paint my porch, when he came back to my front door hours later to get paid…
He informed me it was a BMW, not a Porsche.
Bob and Sue were strolling down the street when they bumped into a priest.The priest smiled and said, “Ah! Didn’t I marry you two last year?”
Bob nodded. “Yes, Father, you did.”
“And tell me,” the priest asked, “any little ones yet?”
Sue sighed, “Not yet, unfortunately.”
With a warm grin, the priest said, “Well, I’m on my way to Rome. I’ll light a candle for you—may it bless you with children.” Then he waved goodbye and continued on his way.
Years later, Sue ran into the same priest again.
He asked eagerly, “So, did the candle work? Any children?”
Sue laughed, “Oh, yes! Two sets of twins and six more after that—ten kids altogether!”
The priest’s eyes widened. “Ten! That’s incredible! But… where’s Bob?”
Sue leaned in and winked. “He went to Rome… to blow out your candle.”
Why did the cranberries turn red?
Because they saw the turkey dressing
Judge: "It's the tenth time now, you're stealing the same board game from the same toy shop. Why are you doing this?"
Defendant: "I guess I just love taking Risks?"
How do you know when a police officer is ready to bust a move
he pulls over a U-Haul
A guy walks into my auto shop and says, “Can you change a tire? I’ve got a massive flat.”
I said, “Sorry Sir… these are the only clothes I brought with me, but I’d still love to see your spacious apartment.”
What kind of music did the Pilgrims listen to at the first Thanksgiving feast?
Plymouth Rock!
How was your flight home, dad?
Good. But my arms are sore from all that flapping
I've just got my first acting job. It's in a film called '147'
It could be my big break.
My father used to work as a butchers farrier
He was very good at shoeing the flies
Deaf gynecologist
What do you call a deaf gynecologist? What? .... A lip reader😂
I was re-potting and moving my greenery indoors and found out that they had been spying on me while acting like my friends.
It turns out they were plants.
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