Bad day at work today, I cut 2 finger off my hand. I asked the doctor if I would still be able to write with it
He said " probably but I wouldn't count on it"
My wife told me she had a terrifying experience last night. She was alone in the house having a bath, when all of a sudden
She felt a tap on her shoulder.
I went to friend's funeral yesterday and spoke on the families behalf. I only said one word, "Bargain!"
I was told later by his loved ones that it meant a great deal.
When a kid burned down his house, his father watched, put an arm around his wife, and said,
“That’s arson.”
What do you call an amature circumcision
A rip off
A pallet of beer fell on my coworker today.
He’s ok though, it was light beer.
I think you're operating this vehicle while intoxicated. Say the alphabet, starting with P.
Phabet
I asked a biologist for cool frog facts. He told me some frogs can jump higher than a mountain.
Mostly because mountains can't jump.
Okay everyone, wish me luck. I have a meeting at the bank later and if all goes well, I'll be out of debt...
I'm so excited I can barely put on my ski mask.
My wife came in and told me that my daughter’s been shoplifting, so now I’m gonna have to deal with that.
I think I’ll wait until after my birthday!
Once I accidentally swallowed a dictionary.
It gave me thesaurus throat I have ever had
What do you call a suitcase when it’s upset ?
Emotional baggage 🧳 😭
My daughter asked me who my favourite vampire is. I said the one from Sesame Street. She said he doesn't count.
I said that I'm pretty sure he does
My Cambodian wife of five years has finally decided to take my last name.
It was Phun while it lasted.
Why are bears so deadly?
Because they can kill you with their bare hands.
I saw a man who lost his penis ejaculating...
He came out of nowhere
How much does a chimney cost
Nothing it’s on the house.😂
My wife calls me her sex machine all the time.
Well technically she says "you're a fucking tool" but I get what she means.
It's easy to stop women drinking fabric softener...
It's harder to deter gents.
Did you know that popcorn has a military history?
It used to be a kernel.
My wife gave me an ultimatum. It's either her, or my addiction to sweets.
The decision was a piece of cake.
I should never have agreed to eat this chocolate clock
It's time consuming
Watched my first porno movie last night
Boy did I look young
Husband just let me know this was in his arsenal! Had me in stitches. “Why did the old man fall into the well?”
Because he couldn’t see that well
Lost on my vacation in Africa, I asked a local “how far to the nearest hotel?”
All he said was a couple clicks
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